The Female Orgasm Revolution

Vanessa Marin

Coming January 26

Video 3: The Foolproof Four-Step Method To Unleash Your Orgasm

Vanessa Marin

Coming January 29

Video 4: Change Your Orgasm, Change The World

STEP 1: WATCH THE VIDEO

The Truth About How Female Orgasm Really Works, And Why Everything You’ve Been Taught About It Is Wrong

STEP 2: DOWNLOAD THE PDF

STEP 3: SHARE THE VIDEO AND WORKBOOK WITH YOUR FRIENDS

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1015 Comments


  • S says:

    I masturbate semi-regularly and have for a long time, but never get to the point of orgasm – but I also get frustrated if it nothing happens within 5 minutes! (Which I’m learning from your videos isn’t fair to myself) But I find it hard to get aroused by just touching myself and trying to conjure up a mental image, and instead watch porn. Is that problematic in terms of trying to get to the point of orgasm? I also find that I get way more turned on being touched by someone else than my own touch.

  • Anonymous says:

    One guy I was with knew how to get me aroused just by how he talked to me. I had an amazing mind blowing orgasm. Before he made it to the bedroom, I felt like I had to pee a couple of times. I didn’t know it at the time that women can experience ejectulation. I want to have that experience more often. When I was younger I didn’t enjoy sex like I probably should have. It was either to conceive or a chore I had to do with my exhusband. Now I want to learn to as much as possible to have the most pleasurable experience with a committed partner when I’m in a relationship.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa! So the only form of masturbation I have personally done is with using the shower faucet on my clit. This actually started way before I even knew what masturbation was or what I was doing. As odd as it sounds, my brother showed me with the pool jet when we were very young. We made a game out of it to see who could stay on the longest. We thought it “tickled”. Then I started doing doing it in the bath, but would stop before I ever climaxed because that was a strange feeling of “I can’t handle it anymore”

    Fast-forward to when I was 20 and dating a 28 year old who really knew what he was doing. There was one moment where he was eating me out and I had gotten to that edge and I pushed him away because “I couldn’t handle it anymore” I did what I had always done with the faucet, not knowing that I was stopping myself from climaxing. I always thought that feeling was that I had to pee, and I was afraid that I’d pee on him!

    He explained what was actually happening and continued and I experienced my first true orgasm!

    Now fast-forward a few more years, I am 24. I have this belief that using the shower faucet all these years has desensitized my genitals so now it takes ALOT for my partner to get me off. I can only get off with the faucet.

    I want to learn how to orgasm from my own hand and I hope that will help me orgasm with my partner as well

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you so much for sharing! This is a super common way of masturbating, and many women have done it for years or decades.

      In terms of desensitization, the clitoris can get temporarily desensitized by intense stimulation, but the desensitization doesn’t last. It’s definitely not permanent.

      I think what’s much more likely is you’re just used to the routine of masturbating with the faucet. You have the mental relief of knowing that it works quickly, easily, and effectively. Hands might seem much more burdensome in comparison! But you can definitely make the switch with time and practice. (I also teach this in Finishing School if you’re interested!)

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa!

    I started masturbating at age 19, and had my first orgasm shortly after starting. Now, at 23, I masturbate and reach orgasm regularly. It’s particularly easy and pleasurable using a vibrator, but I am also able to using my fingers (though not nearly as often). I often engage in mutual masturbation with my partner, or use my vibrator while he touches me. I can orgasm consistently this way, but have never been able to orgasm solely from my partner. Even when it feels pleasurable, I’m not able to get past the plateau stage.

    I definitely have issues directing my partner and relaxing while receiving. Feeling like I deserve the pleasure and that my partner is enjoying themselves is something particularly difficult for me. Will you be addressing the mental aspects of receiving pleasure from a partner? Do you think it would be easier if I practiced manual stimulation more, rather than using a vibrator consistently?

    Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you so much for doing these videos and spreading the word! Female pleasure is something I am also passionate about and believe should be talked about more openly!

    Thanks again!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks so much for watching the video, and for your kind words!

      This series is focused on your own personal relationship with orgasm, but if you’re interested in learning how to get there with a partner, I recommend checking out Finishing School when we open the doors for the next Live round! We have a separate track for women who can orgasm on their own, but struggle to get there with a partner. Let me know if you have any questions about it!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa, I have watched the second video but I could’ve seem to find the comment box to leave a new comment so I will just pop the question here 🙂
    So I have masturbated since elementary school, and ever since, I could only orgasm in the exact position that I was usually in when I masturbated, by stretching my legs while laying on my back, to the point where I tiptoe my toes hardening the muscles of my calves and inner thighs while playing with my clitoris. I have been married for 12 years now and I still need to be in that position to orgasm even while having sex with my husband. I read some articles that said that we need to practice/try a few different positions and approaches while having sex in order to be able to orgasm in more ways but it turns out to be harder than I thought. My husband is very thoughtful person and he never seemed to mind to wait for me everytime I need time to reach orgasm the old way. But I really want to be able to orgasm in other ways and explore various positions. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you. 🙏
    PS: I love your videos 😊

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks so much for watching and leaving a comment!

      Your question fits in with so many similar questions here in the comments. There’s a basic theme of feeling like you need something very specific to feel pleasure or even reach orgasm. This can happen with using a vibrator, fantasizing, watching porn, using a specific masturbation technique, being in a specific position, needing muscle tension, etc.

      The bottom line with all of these things is that if we masturbate in the same way every single time, we “train” our body to need that stimulation. But it’s just a pattern that can be broken with time, practice, and patience! You’ll almost definitely go through a period of time where you’re convinced you won’t be able to orgasm in any other way, but you have to keep at it! With your specific situation, I do teach a technique in Finishing School all about this, so I would encourage you to check it out when we open the course back up!

  • Anonymous says:

    I am 60, have a great husband who is very supportive, we communicate really well and have a good sexual relationship but I’ve never had an orgasm. I figured there must be some hormonal reason. Over the years I’ve tried two sex therapists and one gave me a physical exam and said everything was fine, I just need to let go and masturbate more. I get bored after awhile masturbating so I haven’t kept doing that. I know as a result of your 30 day challenge and listening to some of your talks, I am better at telling my husband what I want and focusing on me, rather than him. Thanks! He has noticed the change. You have given me hope that perhaps there is still something I might do to have an orgasm . . . even at my age. I’m willing to put in the work. I’ll keep you posted.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks so much for watching and leaving a comment! I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed the 30 Day Sex Challenge! And I’m REALLY glad to know this series is inspiring you to keep trying with orgasm!!

      I know masturbation can be pretty boring, but you CAN learn to love the process! It’s funny… it’s actually something that most people have to work at. Even people who can orgasm easily tend to masturbate in ways they would describe as “lazy” or “boring.” (I know I do sometimes!) We all need to work harder to enjoy this special time with our own bodies!

      Keep me posted!!

  • Edward says:

    The trouble with the word “masturbation” is that it is not an onomatopoeia word. My earliest dictonary definition was “self abuse,” not “self pleasure.” Sad really! If only I had first been taught about Bonobos. Sexual stimulus being for pleasure would have been a better start to such education.
    I am an XY.
    I’l be intrigued if my wife is taken by your offering.
    Edward

  • Anonymous says:

    I’ve been masturbating for years and I can make myself feel really good but I can never push myself over the edge to climax and its really frustrating

    • Anonymous says:

      Same here. I’ve read the books, listened to the sex therapy podcasts, masturbate frequently and for decent periods of time, cant quite get myself there.

  • Anonymous says:

    First, thank you for this video series!! I watched the orgasm revolution videos last year, and I’m watching them again. I can reliably orgasm by myself and do so regularly. I’ve never been consistently successful with a partner. Every now and then, but very rarely. I know that i should show my partner what I do by myself so we can translate that into sex… But this doesn’t go well. I’ve had more than one previous partner tell me I take too long. One guy complained about the level of stimulation I needed. One guy fell asleep. One guy never spoke to me again after he found out how difficult an orgasm is for me. My husband now is patient on the surface, but asks me, “are you close??”. I have a very hard time trusting him and relaxing enough to do it. I’m pretty discouraged. I’m not even sure what my question is…I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, and not sure if I can ever get past them, or even how. Any advice??

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for watching! So cool to know that you’re getting a lot out of the series a second time!

      In terms of your partners, I’m SO sorry you’ve had such terrible experiences. Frankly, those guys all sound like jerks, and didn’t deserve to be intimate with you! I will say though that most of us are so anxious about wanting to be “good in bed” that sometimes we deflect our own self-consciousness onto our partners, so maybe they were struggling with their own insecurities.

      With your husband, I would definitely recommend removing the “are you close” question from your vocabulary! I’ve never met a woman who liked that question.

      So the question is about getting past these bad experiences. First, part of the process is just allowing yourself to be hurt. Any woman in your situation would feel hurt! Give yourself permission to have whatever reaction you had. Second, I think there may be something for you to explore around feeling like you deserve better. Do you truly and deeply know that you deserve time, attention, effort and pleasure? That you deserve it regardless of what has happened in the past?

  • Anonymous says:

    Hello thank you for this video I have been feeling guilty as I am menopause and very frustrated I want daily orgasm but my partner as not wanted to touch me for two years I share my be with a man with his phone I have cut myself off how do I re-boot myself and feel happy, I just feel he does not want me, makes me sad

  • Anonymous says:

    A view from the other side of things: Me, in my 60s, wants a partner, loves sex, yes I do solo sex. But never had a girlfriend, never been a girlfriend, no relationship or a partner ever. Managed to get a few people to have sex with but few and far between and ultimately unsatisfactory for me. So while I am intent on finding a real partnership for the rest of my life, masturbation really and truly reminds me of my chronic singleness and inability to get someone to be interested in me. I honestly find it incredible that people somehow manage to find someone to have sex with.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks for watching and sharing your story. I work with a lot of people who struggle to find partnership, and I know the pain that can go along with it. I hope the series inspires you to reconnect with your solo time, despite the challenges. Wishing you the best!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing this with everyone! Love listening to your videos!!

  • Michelle says:

    I still feel the effects of my religious and conservative upbringing. I never spoke about my sexuality with my Mother. It was just understood that it was for after marriage. I still decided to explore my sexuality from about the age of 13 or so but often with a lot of mixed feelings of excitement and shame. I only masturbated for the first time around the age of 26-27…

    And it did not become a regular practice. It was something I enjoyed in the moment but then it would seem to fall into the background and I would disconnect from my sexual impulses. I think I have always had a hot and cold relationship with my sexuality…

    Either very into it and excited (often in the beginning of a relationship when I am chasing after someone’s affection or when I feel I may lose them)… but not in the calm phase of the relationship when I seem to become lazy and complacent.

    I am in the midst of realization right now in my life. On the cusp of almost losing my partner who I love and am very attracted to, I have decided to take the plunge into my reignited sexual arousal and confront my sexual hang-ups and shame surrounding some conflicting sensations that I have around jealousy and arousal coexisting within me. At the age of 44 I realize that I need to understand my own sexuality more and stay in touch with it, because without this, I feel as though I am not even alive. After having my first child 3 years ago, my sexuality took a nose dive and I realize that I have been asleep since then. The reasons for this are multiple and complex but I know that my sexual complacency has not been positive for me or my partner. I believe you when you say that the key to understanding ourselves and relating to others is linked to masturbation. Thank you for these videos. 🙏

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Michelle,

      Thank you so much for watching and leaving a comment!

      It sounds like you’re in the midst of an incredible journey, and I’m so excited for you to connect with your sexuality in a brand new way! I’m honored that this series can be a part of that journey. If you’d like to take it even deeper, keep an eye out for information about the next Live round of Finishing School. I think it would be an absolutely incredible next step for you!

  • Tammie says:

    I am 55 with 4 grown children. I have always thought something was wrong with me, because I wasn’t able to have an orgasm with penetration only. WOW! Eye opening! I wish more men would have this information also!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Tammie,

      So glad you enjoyed the video and learned a lot!

      Feel free to share the series with any men in your life 🙂

  • Marci says:

    I am an 82-year-old woman. I’ve been masturbating since I was a child. With a vibrator I can get myself off in five minutes. Obviously, I prefer a nice long sensuous session with a lover. Masturbation is great, but it’s genital — centric. I can’t kiss myself on the mouth, or down there, or do other things to my body that a lover could do. So my major concern is: how to communicate “do this, no, not that way, I want this….etc.” Do men like to. be ordered around in bed?
    PS: another thing you should mention is lube. What a difference that makes.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Marci,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I think your choice of the word “ordered” is interesting. As women, we’re socialized to believe that speaking our minds is “bossy” or “domineering.” But there’s nothing bossy about sharing with a partner what brings you pleasure! Most partners genuinely want to be good in bed and know that they’re bringing you pleasure, and will welcome kind feedback.

      And yes, lube is so important! I talk about it a lot in Finishing School!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hello,
    I feel like masturbation is hard for me, not because I was taught it was wrong but because I feel my body is disgusting.
    Dealing with body image issues really puts a damper on wanting to touch myself, or having my partner touch me.
    Since watching the first video I have been raving to my partner, about how he was taught in school what happens when aroused but I was not.
    I’m hoping to be able to establish a better relationship not only with my partner, but with my own body

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for watching and leaving a comment.

      I am so, so deeply sorry that you have been taught to believe your body is disgusting. I use the word “taught” because I firmly believe that none of us are born hating our bodies. This BS is dumped on our shoulders, and we bear the burden.

      The great news is that exploring your relationship with your orgasm can have a huge, transformative impact on your relationship with your body. One of the most frequent pieces of feedback I get from Finishing School students is that they didn’t realize how much the course would change their relationship with their body. It can be such a gift!

      Were you on our email list before The Female Orgasm Revolution? This month, I sent out a free pleasure challenge, and one of the exercises – The Touch And Talk Technique – is insanely powerful for changing your relationship with your body. Feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you didn’t get it!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hello Vanessa! Thank you so much for creating finishing school and a series of free videos. This is a world saving activity you are doing – educating women and making their life more full. I am unfortunately amongst many other mid thirties woman who had an orgasm twice with my partner (as you said in your video -no idea why it only happened twice as seems like he was doing the same thing). I have a vibrator and it works for me. I tried using it with my partner but it somehow did not work they way it works when i am by myself. I was quite tense and could not orgasm. I guess i need to know how to masturbate without a vibrator as that would help me getting to know my body better. Thank you again for everything you do and continue doing for all women.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! Your words truly mean SO much to me!!

      Vibrators are amazing, but they can also make it harder to orgasm with a partner (unless you’re using a vibrator with a partner, which is amazing too!). If you want to orgasm with a partner without a vibrator, I recommend learning how to masturbate with your hands!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have masturbated and orgasmed from it but only when using a toy and more from external clitoral stimulation alone. I would like to get there from penetration but that is another obstacle. This said, the orgasms I have had have only ever lasted a few seconds and for the long effort in getting there, the reward of a tiny buzz doesn’t encourage me to masturbate as it can seem more like a chore than enjoyment. Is the key to keep it consistent, because when i did prod around inside i don’t feel anything. If i just carried on doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, will the sensation just start to change?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I recommend that you start exploring the exterior portion of the clitoris. Most women just don’t feel much from internal stimulation, since you’re having to stimulate the clitoris through layers of tissue.

      A lot of women also find vibrator orgasms to be pretty small and unsatisfying. If that’s the case for you, I definitely recommend exploring with your own hands. The next video will teach you exactly how, so keep me up to date after you watch!

  • Nikki says:

    Hi Vanessa (and other ladies!),
    I’m a 24 year old woman who has never orgasmed. I’ve tried everything I can think of; masturbation (for waaaay more than 20 minutes, I can assure you), vibrators, other sex toys, fantasies with and without my partner, OMGYes, etc. Nothing I have ever done has worked. It just feels like I get to a certain point, and then everything gets too intense, almost painful, and I have to stop to then build back up again, and I just never get to the top.
    I constantly get the most frustrating advice from my close friends who I’ve shared my troubles: “just let go and it will happen” or “stop thinking about it so much”. That literally feels impossible at times, just like saying try not to think of a pink elephant – what are you thinking about now? EXACTLY.
    I’m truly disheartened and have genuinely begun to think I’m broken or in some way built wrong. I want to be able to have an orgasm if only to prove to myself that I can, because at this point, I think I’m beginning to think that I never will.
    Eagerly awaiting the rest of this video series because I think this is my last ditch effort to try and see if I actually am capable of having an orgasm. 🙂

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Nikki,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I know it can be really frustrating to put in so much effort and not see any payoff yet. I know it’s frustrating, but it’s also really amazing that you’ve given yourself the gift of all that time and effort. (There have been a lot of women in Finishing School who had been masturbating for years, or even decades, and hadn’t yet orgasmed, so I definitely recommend that you check the course out when it opens!)

      The experience of getting to a certain point and losing it is really common, and can be caused by a lot of different factors. (There’s a whole section in Finishing School about this.) If it feels almost painful, it may be from being too direct with your stimulation. You can try stimulating around the sides of the clitoris, rather than touching directly.

      And I can assure you that you are NOT broken or built wrong!

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m 34 and in the same boat! I love masturbating and my vibrator gets a lot of use but it still feels like I get close, I’m at the top of the mountain but it gets too intense and I roll back down instead of knowing how to step off? It’s beyond frustrating and at this point I just don’t think I’ll ever get there.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Thanks for chiming in and sharing! I think it’s so special for women to be giving each other the reassurance that we are not alone! Check out my note above to Nikki about “losing it” at a certain point. For you, I recommend trying with your fingers if you’re interested, since you can be more fine-tuned with fingers than with a vibrator.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am comfortable masterbating and do it often with and without toys but my orgasms doesn’t seem to come from how I touch myself but rather from fantasizing. I have tried not fantasizing and just concentrating on how my body feels and I can’t orgasm. This also means I can’t orgasm with a partner because I’m too aware of another person being there to let go and lose myself in my fantasies.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      You bring up a great point about fantasies, and I know there are so many other women who can relate to this.

      Fantasy is really interesting… I’ve responded to other comments here from women who can orgasm with a vibrator, but not with their hands. If we masturbate the exact same way, every single time, whether it’s with a vibrator, with a fantasy, or with a specific technique, we “train” our body to only respond to that same kind of stimulation. But if you make an active effort to switch things up, you can break out of that pattern. It takes time and patience (and you’ll probably have several points where you’ll be sure it’s just not possible for you!), but every woman I’ve coached has been able to break the pattern. I coach how to do this in Finishing School, if you’re interested in taking the next step!

  • Caity says:

    I am 23 and I am not sure if I have ever had an orgasm. As a teenager I experimented on my own quite a bit until I was told it was a sin. Recently I have been trying to empower myself with self pleasure again, but I always reach a part that is uncomfortable. My body starts shaking, but it never feels that great. I usually stop because it feels too intense and not enjoyable.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Caity,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I’m so sorry you were taught that touching your body is a sin. It absolutely is not!

      The next video will be all about the technique, so let me know how it goes for you after you’re able to try it out!

  • Kay says:

    Hi, thank you so much for these videos. I am 63 and have been a widow for 3 yrs. My husband & I were married for 41 yrs and had an amazing and fulfilling sex life and relationship. I just knew I’d never be in another sexual relationship, so after a yr & a half, I bought a couple of toys. It took me awhile to relearn my body & by myself. I had met a man at church, who was also widowed. We started very slow with a dinner here or there, maybe a movie, etc. I asked him over one evening. We talked for hrs about how we both missed our spouses and sex. Long story short, we ended up having sex together. He’s only 4 yrs younger than me, we both had sex issues, he has ED from blood pressure meds, but we are working together, very good open talk about what’s good or not good. Last Saturday I just had my first orgasm in 6 yrs. It did take a long time for me, but he’s very gentle & considerate. He does take Cialis. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Being in a loving, caring & open relationship has changed me. He also is Pro Toy, so that helps both of us. This is a work in progress and may always be. Your video’s are helping me to help myself and to encourage him as well. We are planning on getting married in about a year. I’m so blessed to have found a man who loves me for who I am. Whether we climax or not, we have a very physical bond. Thank you so much for your video’s. You are so very helpful.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Kay,

      Thank you so much for watching the video! I really appreciate your kind words. And I’m so excited for you being able to embark on this new adventure with a wonderful partner!

  • V says:

    I never gave myself enough time to have an orgasm …I thought I was broken or disconnected from my nerves. I could get almost there and then aching inside and nothing would happen. It was extremely frustrating. It wasn’t the masturbation that bothered me, it was the lack of success.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi V,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment! I’m interested to know what you think after you watch the next video and are able to try the four-step method!

  • Anonymous says:

    How can I sign up for the finishing school and get the Rediscovering desire as a free bonus?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Haha I love the enthusiasm!!! Email us at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com and we’ll take care of you!! So excited to have you join the adventure! <3

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for this video! I’m in my late 30s and have never had an orgasm, and currently have an new curious and supportive partner but don’t even know how to guide him. I think the most shocking thing here was the 20 minutes…when I’ve tried to masturbate on my own I’ve barely given myself 5 minutes before giving up. Looking forward to video 2!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks so much for watching the video and leaving a comment! Let me know what you think after video 2!! (It’s available now)

  • Stacey says:

    At 53, I have had almost 40 years of orgasm experience. I can have clitoral orgasms by vibrators, cowgirl position, and once in a while with my own fingers. I have only had one orgasm through cunnilingus, and that was in my early 20s. Are guys that clueless about technique, or am I in the minority here?
    I do have squirting orgasms from having my G spot stimulated with 2 fingers, pretty easily actually, and multiple times.

    • Kay says:

      Hi Stacey, thank you for sharing with all of us. I have tried for years to have a squirting orgasm, and never have. Does it feel more intense than a “normal” orgasm? My future husband told me his deceased wife had them all the time. He told me it doesn’t matter to him if I can have them or not, in other words, not to worry about it. He was very sweet about it. I however, feel like a dummy & would like to have one by myself. I’m 63 yrs old, and think this would be amazing. Thank you for sharing with all of us.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi Kay,

        Just wanted to pop in here since I know lots of women are curious about squirting! Squirting and orgasm are actually completely separate processes. You can squirt without feeling any pleasure, and you can orgasm without squirting.

  • Ophelia Gustafson says:

    I have always felt that touching myself was wrong…taught indirectly by my mother. I´m 65 yrs old and still can´t touch myself, but have started using a ¨toy¨and have had success achieving orgasms with the device. I still don´t know how to touch myself. I feel like it´s only a job for ¨him¨and I don´t even understand why he seems to enjoy it, or why he does it.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Ophelia,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I’m so sorry you were taught that touching your own body was wrong. Were you on our email list before The Female Orgasm Revolution? This month, I sent out a free pleasure challenge, and one of the exercises – The Touch And Talk Technique – is insanely powerful for changing your relationship with your body. Feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you didn’t get it!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi! Congratulations on your videos and your work. It is so important to spread information about sexuality and specifically about female sexuality. Orgasms are a human right! I love to see people encouraging others to achieve this.

    I have a question about female ejaculation or squirt. I’ve read that the liquid coming out is diluted urine and should not taste or smell like pee, but sometimes when I squirt I feel that this liquid (that looks transparent) does smell like pee. This is really making me feel insecure and affecting my sexual life. Please, help!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you so much for your kind words!!

      The fluid released during squirting is NOT urine. It’s secreted by the Skene’s glands. It passes through the urethra, so it can pick up minuscule traces of urine, but it’s a completely different fluid. I hope that helps you feel more comfortable!

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m watching this video series as much for myself as for my daughter. I have a very clear memory of being preschool age, my mother helping me undress for bed, I reached down, swiped my finger across my labia and then smelled my fingers. My mother was profoundly repulsed and lectured my extensively that I should not do that. In the case of my own child, I’m guilty of reacting in much the same way as my own mother did, but I am consciously trying to be more relaxed with the concept for both our sakes. Fortunately, she’s infinitely more determined than I was, so her mother freaking out the first few times I found her self-pleasuring was not a deterrent and I’ve now managed to express to her that I understand that it is an activity that feels very nice… BUT… one does not do it at the dinner table or in the living room around company. I think the more at ease I become with masturbation personally, the better equipped I will be to ensure my daughter doesn’t have to seek help like this when she’s in her mid-thirties, with two kids and only ever having one orgasm!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you so much for sharing!

      This is actually a REALLY common experience. As kids, we’re naturally super curious about the world around us, including our own bodies. We absolutely delight in our own bodies! Kids love to explore their bodies, but it’s not “sexual” in the way we adults think of touch. Most kids are caught by their parent(s) at some point or another, and it’s typically a pretty extreme or negative reaction. This, of course, leads to a tremendous amount of shame, and an end to that natural curiosity and delight. It’s really sad. I always wonder what our sex lives could look like if we still had that curiosity and delight. The good news is that I think we can work to get it back!

  • Anonymous says:

    I can’t wait to watch the next video, thank you for sharing this valuable information

  • Anonymous says:

    I was never taught anything about sex. It was “taught ” in one health class in high school. I felt so awkward, stupid and ashamed for not knowing more. At that same time, it was just the cool kids who knew the most about sex. I feel awkward and ashamed to masterbate. Society is more accepting and encouraging about it now. But, it seems my beliefs conflict. As my husband told me, God made us sexual beings with sexual urges. If it was bad, He wouldn’t of created us that way. Sex is ok by God, He just wants us to be responsible with this gift He has given us.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thank you for watching and commenting! I think so many people can relate to that shame of not having the proper information we all need and deserve!

  • Marnie says:

    I am so excited to see the next video! I do know how to have an orgasm, but can’t wait to learn a technique to help me have them when I want to!! Thank you so much for doing this, I can’t wait to learn this!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have never orgasmed. I was always told its because i am a control freak. That i just need to let go

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for watching and leaving a comment. I’m so sorry you were led to believe that was the only reason you haven’t yet orgasmed. It’s just not true!

  • Judith says:

    Good for you, doing this. I am an older woman and it is refreshing to know that all women (younger, older) have the opportunity to be made to feel more comfortable about this. It has taken too long. Thank you for making this acceptable and normal. Awesome!

  • Therese says:

    Yay!! I’m so tired of being told to relax, let yourself go, stop tensing your pelvic floor muscles?! I’m not surprised that Ive never had an orgasm after watching this first installment….can’t wait for the next one!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Therese,

      Thanks so much for watching and commenting! I know, I’m SO sick of that same old advice too! Let me know what you think after the next videos!!

  • Anonymous says:

    I struggle with the idea of having an orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone as I feel it is so exposing/ vulnerable. I always get self conscious/ frustrated when my partner tries to stimulate me and I often feel like things are just going backwards. In some ways I would rather skip to the penetration as that just feels simpler and easier. I suppose the other lie we can believe as women is that our genitalia is somehow ugly/ disgusting and feel embarrassed to have someone paying it so much attention!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you for watching and leaving a comment.

      If you don’t mind me asking, what feels exposing and vulnerable? Is it having your partner focusing on you? Something specific about the clitoris? Both?

      And yes, we have also been taught a lot of BS about our genitals.. that they look, smell, and taste “weird” or “icky”. Reclaiming your body and recognizing that it is beautiful and perfect just the way it is can be a huge part of the orgasm process!

  • Kelly says:

    My fiancé is not really big into sex so I have to use my toy. I only use it on the clit and after a bit I can kinda feel like I want to scream out cause it is feeling so good. Wish I felt that in sex with him.

  • anonymous says:

    l frequently am so discouraged with sex with my partner because he is finished before l can count to 50 and he wants nothing to do with pleasing me so l am at the point of feeling like it is a waste of my time to even have sex ….he always says things like well it isn’t my fault if you make me so excited l barely get it so that is why l am done so fast…..he thinks that should make me feel thankful but it does the opposite.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks for watching and leaving a comment. That situation sounds really frustrating, and I can totally understand why you would be discouraged. You deserve to have a partner who is invested in pleasuring you too! It may be that he feels really self-conscious about the fact that he orgasms quickly, and he’s trying to deflect that embarrassment by “blaming” you.

  • Vixen says:

    Some friends educated me years ago about the joy of a cock ring, and I use an easy stretchy one that is good for both of you. It then made me curious about experiencing orgasm alone; and I’m so glad it did. We need stimulation vaginally and clotorally to really make the magic happen. It also helps now that I am with a partner who is inexperienced, premature and a bit disconnected.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I have learned that I’m not alone with this and I will be able to have better sex with my sweetie. The schools teach us garbage about sex, well they don’t cover what should be beside std’s and unwanted pregnancies as well as birth control methods. Sex has always been a taboo subject with parents and older people. I will follow your series and see if I’m finally able to have the best relaxed sex of my life so far

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for watching and leaving a comment! I’m SO glad you now know that you’re not alone! And really hoping this leads to the best, most relaxed sex for you!! Keep me updated!

  • Mia says:

    Hi I am 56 and I have never had a orgasm, so excited for the next video, I feel so abnormal and frustrated

  • Emma says:

    Thanks
    I am 33 and still struggle with trying to get an orgasm. Can do them by myself sometimes, And have never been able to have one with a partner. Which is sad 😔
    And now with my boyfriend I freak out and can’t even get aroused at all. And think should we break up? But the same thing happened with the last guy and I still miss him soo much.😭 And just think the same thing will just happen to the next partner so what’s the point 😭

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Emma,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment.

      You bring up a really good point… I think a lot of people believe that if you’re not able to orgasm with a partner, it means something is “off” with your chemistry and you’re not a good fit. But I definitely do not think that is true.

      Orgasm – whether it’s on your own or with your partner – is a skill, and it takes time, patience, and practice to learn.

      If you’re thinking of breaking up for other reasons, then that’s a different story. But I would encourage you not to break up with your partner for the sole reason that you can’t orgasm with him.

    • anonymous says:

      Interesting. I am also thinking of breaking up, but there is a lot to it.

    • Anonymous says:

      It seems a shame that you are thinking of breaking up with your partner over this – although I understand there might be different reasons. I have never been able to have an orgasm but I love my partner so much and he is so understanding. I think if you have a partner who loves you and who is willing to let you be you through this process then that is so valuable and will help you grow in your confidence as you do this video series.

  • Lani says:

    20 minutes?!? That’s far longer than I’ve been giving myself and now that I’m single, to be honest I haven’t even bothered trying because I‘ve just thought “what’s the point”? I’m not really sure I’ve ever had an orgasm to be honest. This was a great watch. Thank you.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Lani,

      It can be quite shocking to realize how little time we give ourselves. Like I said in the video, so many of us stop ourselves after just a minute or two. We’re nowhere close to 20! Glad you enjoyed the video, and I hope it inspires you to give yourself all the time in the world, knowing full well that you deserve it! 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks so much for this great video, I’ve been having problems reaching organsm,it has been my biggest problem,I can organsm from watching porn but can’t when am with my partner,and I think that’s what’s my problem,an article said too much porn causes ur brain to produce a kinda stuff,I have forgotten it, which makes it hard for it to respond for one to get an organsm, and I remember when I was younger I watched porn too much, and it’s now affecting me 😭i can only organsm with my partner if am thinking of a porn and I don’t like it.
    Plz help me🙏plz

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

      If you masturbate the exact same way every time – whether it’s watching porn or using a specific technique – you can basically “train” your brain to only respond to that type of stimulation. It can make it harder to orgasm in other ways, or with a partner. I always encourage people to try to mix it up when they masturbate. It’s awesome to have a reliable technique, but there’s also so much possibility for us to explore with our own bodies! It may take some time to feel sensitive again without porn, but that’s just a temporary reaction and it will pass!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for myth busting about the clitoris, where is sits in the body and that it needs stimulation not through the vagina!!

  • Erin says:

    Thank you for offering this much needed help. I am tearing up reading the comments and realizing that so many women and I share similar experiences. I haven’t been able to orgasm with a partner in almost 10 years. My current partner orgasms SO QUICKLY. He is very kind and tries to offer stimulation after he finishes but I turn him down because it is just too disappointing to keep having unsuccessful and unsatisfying sex.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Erin,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      It makes ME cry to think about you tearing up while reading the comments! That’s really what I wanted women to experience here… knowing that we are NOT alone!!!

      As a quick comment about your current situation – what about having your partner focus on you first? That way you get to have an orgasm regardless of his timing. I give this advice to guys with early ejaculation issues all the time, and they often find that being able to focus on their partners helps them decrease their own anxiety and get a boost of confidence, which can often really help with lasting longer!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have been a private client and just happened to see this today. This has been one of the most scary sad issues in my life. I feel like I’ll never be able to have an orgasm with a partner which would be so wonderful. It’s like the holy Grail. I will try on my own And then get discouraged and feel like somethings wrong with me. It seems so hard and I have not been sexually active for a while because I haven’t really found the right person but I am so nervous at the thought of intimacy and being a failure. I can’t even get aroused because I’m just thinking probably of what he’s thinking and white I’m not Responding to him. I was thinking that maybe I would just like exercise try doing it every night and maybe I would get more responsive but then I’m so discouraged I don’t even want to try. I can’t even imagine what technique you have in mind but I will watch the series and it’s a goal I have at age 61 and I’ll do whatever I have to including taking more private lessons. Thank you so muchThis would make my life so much more fulfilled if I could figure it out.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment, and I’m glad to know you’ve been a client in the past!

      I know orgasm can feel really scary and overwhelming, especially when you think about bringing a partner into the picture, so I definitely recommend that you try to spend some time reconnecting with yourself first. Try out the practices in this video series, and let me know how it goes! You’re definitely going to feel discouraged at first because it will not work immediately. But it’s important to build up that skill of giving yourself time, patience, and love!

      Feel free to reach out at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you’d like to chat more about options for moving forward 🙂

  • Karen says:

    Thank you so much, Vanessa! Although I was pretty familiar with the information you shared, I was feeling guilty for not spending much time getting to know my body better. Time after time, I would tell myself I would schedule a “getting to know myself and pleasure myself in new ways” date…but it rarely happened. So, I felt that my lack of consistent orgasms was my own “fault” and felt all alone. I have felt pretty stupid not knowing what to tell my partner when it came time to explain what works for me or what I prefer.
    You have given me hope and I plan to note the time points of future videos to share with my partner.
    Your generosity, wisdom, openness and enthusiasm are massively appreciated!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Karen,

      Thanks so much for watching, and for your kind words!!

      I know it can be hard to carve out this time for ourselves. It always seems like there’s something more important, doesn’t it?! But it really can be such a gift to give ourselves this time. I hope the series inspires you to go for it!

  • Michelle says:

    Thank you for taking your free time to do this video series. You explain everything so eloquently. I was already quite aware of how things work and luckily have a partner who I talk a lot with and who is a curious and generous lover who actually researched more than I did!
    I look forward to the next videos. Thanks again. 🙏

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Michelle,

      Thanks so much for your kind words! I really appreciate i! Let me know what you think of the other videos 🙂

  • Nesma Idris says:

    This video is truly revolutionary. Such an eye opener with truthful scientific information. A must see for all women of all ages.

  • Blair says:

    I’m shocked that we can be so misinformed and feel almost relieved

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Blair,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment. I’m so glad you feel relieved to know the truth about how orgasm really works!

  • Susan says:

    I feel like I am losing yet another relationship partially because I couldn’t have an orgasm with a partner. I was very upfront about my past issues with this and wanted to make sure he would be patient and not get upset about it. He told me he knew exactly “what to do” so I would orgasm but wouldn’t listen to what I knew I needed. He now says he isn’t attracted to me because I am “not exciting” in bed. Finally in my 40’s I am getting to know myself and learning what I want/need. But it doesn’t matter if I can’t share that with someone. Hearing videos like this makes me feel so much better.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Susan,

      Thank you for watching and sharing.

      I am so sorry that your partner has taken this approach to your orgasm. It’s great to be an enthusiastic partner, but we can never make assumptions that we know “exactly what to do” for another person’s body. It’s also cruel to tell you that you’re not exciting in bed. Your partner is creating way too much pressure on you, which of course is going to make it so much more difficult to actually orgasm.

      I’m really grateful that the series is making you feel better, and I hope you’re able to experience some powerful shifts in your relationship with orgasm!

  • Susanne says:

    Hi, thank you for a great explanation about the female orgasm, I am now 47 & menopausal but when I was younger if I just thought of sex I’d orgasm, that can be a problem aswell, lol, But I found after I gave birth yrs ago my hormones disappeared & the man I was with I feel sex starved me, lol, I learned to do without sex, Now yrs later I cannot believe it my hormones are coming back, I’m delighted, I was wondering if you dont feel around then u don’t know what your body or clitorus wants, I have only recently start pleasuring myself & wow, Thank you for making these amazing videos 💕

  • Rae says:

    So about 9 years ago I had to have a a LEEP procedure done do to abnormal recall changes. That came back positive for pre-cancer cells. I then had to go in for the cone biopsy which is essentially from what I grasp they took tissue from the inside of my cervix. That biopsy was negative so the leap remove the cancer cells. Well my last visits resulted in abnormal cell changes again and I am worried that I will have the same results and they may want to suggest a hysterectomy for prevention because I have two kids and don’t really plan on having anymore. I am terrified of this! I’m worried I will lose a HUGE part of the sensation I need to reach orgasm:( Am I freaking myself out for nothing or is this a very real potential outcome? And if so how do you work around that? Thanks for the videos! And thanks for the male perspective Shaun 😁

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Rae,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I’m not a medical doctor, and I unfortunately don’t have much training in LEEP procedures. Could you try seeking out a second opinion? Is there anyone in your area who has training in human sexuality, or at the very least, acknowledges that sexual side effects are always a risk?

    • Mel says:

      I would investigate all other options before hysterectomy. I had a partial uterus and one ovary removed. It affected my hormonal levels and did affect my relationship with my partner. Even though the doctor said I would not feel different, I absolutely did. It does not affect ability to orgasm but my libido was affected due to hormone levels. It’s hard to replace these hormones,

  • Rae says:

    Do you have a video series on the female orgasm directed towards men? To be honest I want to send this to all of my male friends with the caption you are welcome but it seems that it is geared for women:)

  • Anonymous says:

    it takes me age to get aroused through oral or vaginal sex and i only orgasm vaginaly after my partner has, by continuing to rub myself on him. I would love to orgasm together.

  • Anonymous says:

    I started using a back massager on my clitoris when I was 14, and still use it at 39. I consider it my “good old faithful.” This definitely prevents me from reaching orgasm during sex. I stopped using it once for a year to see if orgasming naturally would get easier, but it didn’t get easier enough so I went back to using it.

    I have a smaller vibrator that I sometimes use on my clitoris during sex, but it only gets me to the big O sometimes, , so I’m not happy about that. I also don’t like relying on a vibrator to achieve orgasm. Also, with over 20 years of being sexually active I know we’re not always blessed with a partner who is open to using toys in the bedroom. My current partner is fortunately ok with it though.

    So the myth that helps me is only 15-20% of women achieve orgasm from penetration alone. I definitely need clitoral stimulation, but I just wish it didn’t require electricity.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thanks so much for watching and sharing your story.

      Switching away from a vibrator can take time and a lot of practice. The longer you’ve used one, the longer the transition process can take. A year is a good amount of time, but it’s possible you needed more. (Or more practice with your hands.) If it’s important to you, it can definitely be done. But if you’re happy using a vibrator, I say by all means stick with it! Vibrators can be amazing!

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow – great first video . I 100% believed all those myths and never wanted to tell anyone . Thank you for sharing your knowledge and opening up this safe space for everyone

  • Katina says:

    I was deeply destroyed when I realized in my mid 20’s that I had never had a real orgasm when I thought I had. I finally taught myself to orgasm within months and was enjoying myself but almost 20 years later I still can hardly orgasm with my partner around. I have been told its “all in my head”. I have felt completely broken and it has really hurt my marriage because my partner feels like its his fault. Over the years we have experimented and are only successful when the “heavy machinery” is brought out a couple times year and that is not very loving or romantic. I would love to be able to orgasm with my partner easier so it happened more often for both of our sake. I hate that society makes me feel like a freak because I can’t just get on top and have one or lay there and have one.

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m 36 and 7months post total hysterectomy. Before, I would have amazing orgasms during intercourse. Since then, I can only have mild orgasms from external clitoral stimulation. Additionally, there is no “satisfaction” and no “connection” felt after climax. Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel now. I’m at a point where I’m desperate to have answers: will this get better? Or do I need to instead find appropriate counseling to help me “deal” with my new reality.

  • Anonymous says:

    I always feel like I need to orgasm a lot faster because my partner orgasms in just a couple of minutes. So if it takes me longer then I feel he will get bored. 🙁

    • Anonymous says:

      Yup this is me everytime! I’m worried his hand will get tired or he is bored of waiting so I just give up or fake it and move on. I want to learn more so I can hopefully teach him to be patient because maybe the husbands don’t know much either

    • Anonymous says:

      I feel completely the same. I’ve been able to bring myself to orgasm on my own with effort, but have never done so with a partner (even after 23 years of marriage). My current partner tries but is used to women having a much easier time getting to that point, and it feels very much like he gets bored and tired quickly. When that happens, or if I think he’s getting that way, I just can’t continue. I feel guilty for asking or expecting him to continue to stimulate me, but also hurt and resentful when he climaxes quickly and then seems bored with helping me to do so.

    • Anonymous says:

      I feel the same way. My husband is way faster and he tries to take as long as I need to stimulate me, but it takes so long that I also feel like it’s to much work for him

  • Anonymous says:

    Does the technique work for women who are on lots of medications that have sexual side effects? I have been on many different meds since before becoming sexually active and the inability to orgasm is something that partners have said they were okay with as long as I still enjoy sex, but it never quite works out that way in the end… from them just no longer really “trying” since it is not going to happen (when the act of doing the things that would normally be done to bring somebody to orgasm is the thing that makes sex enjoyable for me) to one trying to find another bisexual guy to join us in bed because he thought maybe I could come that way because the sessions would be longer and there would be “more dicks involved”. As much as I want to be able to orgasm to enhance my own pleasure, at this point I am more interested in not feeling defective.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for giving me hope to reach my orgasm again! I integrated your ideas about giving yourself more time to try when I’m with my partner. I haven’t been orgasming for almost 9 months because of depression. When I was done watching your video I walked over to my partner en asked him to give me oral sex. He did and when after 3 tries it didn’t come I persisted en tried it with his body and I came! 🙂

    • Shaun says:

      So glad to read this. <3

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes! Me too! I always get so turned up in the beginning but then when time passes and I feel that I get held back my own thoughts, overthinking the situation. I feel that I can’t really “let go” and be comfortable with being vulnerable with someone else, and to say what I really like… I don’t know if that happened to you… but after watching this I realized its happening to me!

      • Shaun says:

        Ask for what you want is critical IMHO. An exercise that helped me, called Ask for what you want, where every min you ask your partner for something different. At first your self talk will be, I can’t ask for that, but buy the time you have done it for a bit you will be asking for things you never thought would come out of your mouth. It’s very liberating.

  • Anonymous says:

    A little bit sad that it’s not always some magical release… I just feel like I get a build up of pleasure that goes nowhere and becomes uncomfortable… anyone else?

    • Anonymous says:

      Absolutely. A build up and then it’s too intense with no “release” until it’s too sensitive or uncomfortable and I just stop.

      • Judy says:

        I feel this too. Sometimes I can orgasm, and sometimes nothing happens (just the pleasure), and sometimes I start to hurt and can’t take any more stimulation. We have started using lube of some sort, and that helps, but not 100%.

      • Anonymous says:

        100% agree with this 🙁

      • Anonymous says:

        That’s what I feel like too, he tries so hard- and we can spend way over 20 minutes. Eventually it becomes super intense and I push him away or I feel like I just suddenly switch off or I just feel bad as there’s no way I’d keep trying for that long if he wasn’t getting off. I’ve never had an orgasm, but have a little hope that these videos might help me!

  • Anonymous says:

    Looking forward to the next video! Thanks!

  • Sonia says:

    Thank you so much for offering this course and being a leader in the sexual revolution, I’m so excited to have this opportunity.
    For the majority of my sexual life I have had partners who have pleased themselves with my body.
    They had offered me oral pleasure but I always used to find oral sex to be extremely painful and now i feel nothing. Self pleasure used to be amazing but my partners felt left out or resentful of the fact I couldn’t orgasm through penetration, even though I wanted them to still be involved with masturbation most of my partners rolled over and went to sleep so I could “finish myself off” and I’ve developed an intense feeling of sadness with self pleasure that’s been with me now for 6 years.
    God bless.

  • Cass says:

    So my husband (30) and I (28) have been married for over 5.5 years, and 6 months into having sex we decided to try a vibrator because no matter what we tried, I couldn’t ever orgasm. I’ve never ever been able to orgasm on my own (and my impatience with things certainly hasn’t helped the situation). In our almost 6 years now, gratefully using some sort of **really** strong vibrator is normal and super effective, but not a secretive, shameful, or resentful thing.

    However, it is still super super frustrating when I think about how no matter what we’ve tried in the past, manual stimulation just hasn’t worked. (He’s given it a lot of time too…makes me feel guilty when he’s tried so much and so hard to help me reach orgasm without a toy).

    I really appreciated you mentioning that, like a backrub, some people like things more intensely and others more softly. What baffles me is that ANY direct stimulation to the exposed part of my clitoris is downright uncomfortable (pinchy) and gets properly painful if it goes on for more than a few seconds.
    I hate it….and it’s super disappointing because the ‘pleasure button’ just causes me so much OUCH.

    Even though me on top feels great for a lot of reasons, if I get the wrong angle and rub up too high, it is just so flipping uncomfortable. Let alone any other non-traditional positions….none of it feels good. I wish it did.
    Is it possible that, physically, there are just too many nerve-endings that skip over pleasure and go straight to brain freak-out, sending discomfort/pain signals instead?

    Don’t get me wrong…..I’m so grateful that toys are more commonplace; helping us find a way to make it work with what we knew how to do. After watching and talking though, apparently both of us are still separately worried that the other person is secretly upset about some deficiency. (Even though we’re both mostly okay with it all).

    Thanks for the video series….looking forward to the next one.

  • Shaun says:

    While being a person with a penis, I felt it was important to understand the female orgasm for my partner, hence I joined the class. As for letting it happen I would like to offer a perspective. To me letting it happen is about surrendering, with consent, to what is happening in the present moment. If you are thinking about the shopping or picking up the kids or even worse are feeling guilt as a result of some social repression (I’m not good enough, this is a sin, I don’t like my body, does my vagina smell) then it isn’t going to happen.

    In my case there is social conditioning that fingers don’t go into vaginas, even though penises are much larger and quite easily can. There is also body image issues and smell issues. These all stop her being able to experience pleasure. So in a technique I was taught as to linking the G spot and the clitoris isn’t going to happen as it is very hard to find a G spot from outside. BTW, I like the smell of a vagina and most men probably do. Think about it, its a source of pleasure and a turn on for us.

    Funny you mentioned about the knees as I had what I call a brain orgasm, no ejaculation, while touching a pillow and my knees at a workshop recently. (there was breathing and energy work involved) Also, while on holidays, I used ecstatic touch techniques on my partner. I only touched her from the top of her breasts up, so no nipples but including the top of the breast, and she tipped into orgasm. So holidays, relaxed, no goal other than giving her pleasure, lots of time and bam. Not a earth shattering one bit surprised the heck out of her.

    I look forward to the next video.

    Shaun

  • Anonymous says:

    I come from a highly religious background… my sex talk was “there are three types of sex and don’t do anything until your married”. So now at 30 years old and three children I struggle reaching an orgasm… I’m in a relationship with a person I love and can’t with them… and in past relationships i orgasmed once. I hope I learn how to be free with myself and rewire my brain throughout these courses. I deserve pleasure too.

    • Shaun says:

      Humans seem to have a way of sabotaging pleasure. Religion being one of those ways. Media and social expectations being others.

      I wish you all the best and hope this really helps.

      Shaun

  • Anonymous says:

    I am 55 and have never had an orgasm, alone or with a partner. I went into menopause over 10 years ago, and I sort of gave up on myself at that point. I feel like I missed the window of having truly great orgasms. Vanessa makes me feel a bit of hope. From this video I see that I have tended to plateau, and then give up too soon. I am going to commit to myself and start practicing! Thank you so much for sharing this important information!!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

      Please please please know that it is NEVER too late to have an orgasm! I’ve coached women in their 70s and 80s!!!

      I’m so glad you feel inspired to start practicing. Keep me up to date on how it goes!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I can’t wait for the other videos. I’m 34 and I have only had 2-3 orgasms sexually since I started being sexually active. It’s very depressing, my boyfriend gets frustrated and our amazing sex life went out the window. for the past 8 months we are maybe have sex once a month. I feel like I’m not good enough.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi,

      Thank you so much for watching the video and stopping by to leave a comment.

      Here’s my message for you:

      YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

      Even though I have absolutely no clue who you are, I can tell you that, 100%, without a doubt.

      You are good enough, and you DESERVE pleasure!

      Please keep in touch and let me know how it goes after you watch the next videos!

  • Kendra says:

    Hey Vanessa,

    Thank you so much for this video series! I’ve done a ton of work with my own pleasure and I’m just starting to practice sex therapy and I can’t wait to help other women find their pleasure. I was wondering how you explain how women know when an orgasm is happening. When I think about my own experience I know when I’m getting close and I clearly know when I’m in orgasm but I’m not sure how to explain the difference for women who haven’t experienced it for themselves yet. I’m inclined to say the pleasure takes over in orgasm and you don’t have to work towards it anymore but I also don’t want to play into the whole “losing complete control” myth. Looking forward to learning so much more!

  • Anonymous says:

    I orgasm easily while alone, but i don’t with my partner even though he does provide stimulation. Anyone know why?

  • Anonymous says:

    This video was so amazing, I think it is incredible that you are giving so many women a voice and a chance to know the truth about our orgasms so we can empower ourselves to actually take control of our own pleasure. I was relieved to know that often first orgasms can be weak, because so far all my orgasms have been extremely weak. I can only reach orgasm with a clitoral vibrator, I just don’t really feel any pleasure using my hands. But even when I do reach climax with my vibrator, often its so weak that I only get a very small amount of pleasure for a second or so, and the only way I really know that I’ve reached climax is I can feel the clitoral contractions. I’m 19 and my partner and I have been together for almost a year now but I still haven’t orgasmed with him. This is really affecting our sex life because he’s feeling inadequate and upset that he can’t please me, and feels like he leaves me unsatisfied after sex. Even though externally he’s so nurturing and patient, I can tell it’s really upsetting him inside, enough that it’s making him want to have sex less and less. I would give anything to be able to orgasm properly by myself and with him, for the sake of my own pleasure, my boyfriend and our sex life, and I desperately hope thee videos will help me get there!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thank you so much for watching and leaving a comment! I’m SO glad that you enjoyed the first video!!! Your kind words really mean a lot to me.

      Have you considered watching the series with your partner? That could open up some amazing conversations between the two of you!

      Keep in touch and let me know how it goes <3

  • Julie says:

    Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I am looking forward to more consistent orgasms with my husband. I have had a variety of orgasms as you described. I am 53 and going through perimenopause and have skipped periods up to 5 months in a row. Lately my periods have come back the last two months. However, my orgasms are not happening like before. It seems to be taking me a lot longer to reach the if at all. My husband is wonderful and very patient, I am lucky he is a nurturing man. I miss my orgasms and love the feeling of them. I look forward to learning and practicing in the future.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Julie,

      Thanks for reaching out and sharing! Our relationship with orgasm can change throughout the course of our lives. I know it can be frustrating, but I also think it can be an invitation to re-connect with ourselves in new and important ways! Let me know how it goes!

  • TK says:

    This video is wonderful thank you. I am excited to watch more.
    My initial internal thoughts were “well, why do I even want to have sex then if orgasming from penetration isn’t possible?”, “why do all my girlfriends INSIST they are able to come from penetration alone?” lots of insecurities brought to the surface I guess. Really look forward to the rest of your videos so I can make sense of all of this in my brain. You’re the best.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi TK,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a note! Intercourse can still be pleasurable and intimate, so there are still plenty of reasons to have it… it’s just important to realize that the in-and-out sensation alone is not going to lead to orgasm!

      Let me know what you think of the next videos!

  • Anonymous says:

    Dear Vanessa,
    Thank you so much for sharing this videos, can’t wait for the next one
    Honestly I’ve spend all my life thinking there is something wrong with me. Until know I didn’t realise that the plateau phase existed. I thought it was just me that couldn’t get pass it.
    And to be even more honest im scared that even after watching all the videos nothing is going to change. Im very afraid that I will learn that im defective in some way. I can’t stop thinking that maybe I will never experience an orgasm. Does anyone feel the same way?

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes! I’m right there with you!

    • Anonymous says:

      I do! I hear you. Let’s hang in here and give ourselves a chance!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you so much for watching and sharing!

      NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! I promise!!!

      I know that sometimes learning the truth can put a strange kind of new pressure, but the only way to actually have orgasms is to know how they really work.

      I know there are so many other women out there who feel that pressure too, so I’m hoping someone else adds to this thread!

  • Mellissa says:

    I’ve learnt so much already! “Sex education” for young people really needs to be updated. Like some people here all I remember is the basics of ‘this is how a baby is made’. Anything else I thought I ‘knew’ has come from the internet/movies etc which is obviously all rubbish. At 37 I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm (so I probably haven’t right?) so I’m hoping these videos can made it finally happen for me.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      I’m rooting for you Mellissa, and I KNOW you can get there!!! Keep me updated as you watch the remainder of the series!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have realized more recently that my entire sexual journey with men has been predominantly revolved around male pleasure and it wasn’t until having a few female relationships that made me realizing i have some digging to do within my deep conditioning around gender dynamics, my relationship to my own needs, desire, and body. I’m now going on 5.5 years of marriage and am realizing that though this is the healthiest, loving relationship I’ve ever been in, there is a lot of room to grow sexually. I think I am just so conditioned to feel shame around taking a while to get aroused; that there is something inherently wrong with me and have often found myself moving into penetrative sex before my body is ready quite frequently. I do orgasm, but not always and the sensation is quite faint — or a little ‘blip’ as Vanessa says. I’m looking forward to delving deeper into getting to know my body!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thank you so much for sharing! I know there are SO many women out there who can relate to you, so I appreciate you helping make all of us feel a little less alone <3

  • Dani says:

    wow this is truly eyeopening and amazing . glad i found this.

  • Tess says:

    Thank you gorgeous lady , i am 63 and enjoying an amazing relationship with my new partner . My ex husband called me frigid because i never orgasmed by penetration alone and actually said i was probably a freak ! My new loving , understanding partner is so into my body and my orgasms that we have a go at everything : he knows all about how my body works and i have never had such amazing orgasms , all different , and exactly as you say , some a blip and some where he has to scrape me off the cieling , !
    Really looking forward to the second video x

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thank you for watching and for sharing! You are definitely NOT frigid or a freak!! I’m so glad you have a better partner now! Let me know what you think of video #2!

  • Em says:

    I work in health so have a pretty good idea of where everything is anatomically speaking but my education on how to orgasm is severely lacking. This first vid alone was very informative

  • Anonymous says:

    Loved this!! Thank you especially for all the science-y bits. It made it easier to understand. I was NEVER told about ANY of this. I guess my mom was too embarrassed.
    After I got married it took me 9 months of consistent weekly sex to finally orgasm. Even now I’ll go months between orgasms.
    My husband and I are very much in love and have frequent date nights and sex. But it’s sad when I get a little orgasm or a weird one that makes me feel jumpy and uncomfortable. Then I think, “well, better luck in 2 or three months.” It takes about 30 minutes with a vibrator to even get me aroused. Send help!!

  • Anonymous says:

    For 40 years i was vaguely aware of my clitoris. I orgasmed once in awhile from clitoral stimulation, but I became pretty good at faking. I just figured that was the way it is, and I will always have a very difficult time with orgasm. I now realize that yes, I was brainwashed to think I had to have an orgasm with penetration, and preferably at the same time as my partner! I am sad to think of the time that has gone by that could have been much more fulfilling. At my age, I am hoping to finally orgasm consistently with my partner. We’ve been together over a year, and it hasn’t happened yet, only with a vibrator. I look forward to your next video. I have to say, I am so stuck that to be able to do what you claim can be done with your videos is going to be a miracle.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting! I know all too well that feeling of sadness and regret from wasted time. But I hope if there’s one message I can leave you with, it’s that there is ALWAYS hope! Keep watching the videos and let me know what you think!

  • Anonymous says:

    Loved the video! Finishing school is out of my budget right now, and I thought I knew everything anyway. Turns out I didn’t!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thanks for sharing! Please feel free to reach out to us at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you want to chat about Finishing School options 🙂

  • Jessica says:

    You. Are. Amazing. Thank you for doing this!!!! I went through finishing school a couple years ago and that made it so I could have consistent orgasms with a partner. Lately though I’ve been noticing myself falling for the lies again. “This should be happening faster.” “I should be able to orgasm from just sex instead of always having to also stimulate my clitoris.” “There’s something wrong with me – I’m more complicated than most women.” I SOOOOO needed this refresher and I can tell it’s going to get me back on track in the bedroom!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hey Jessica! So awesome to see a Finishing School alum here!

      I know, these lessons require constant vigilance on our part. We were taught these BS messages for so long, and sometimes we just need more time and more reminders to stay consistent!

      So here’s my little personal reminder to you:
      – You DESERVE to take up time and ENJOY that time!
      – Your clitoris is an incredible part of your body and DESERVES tons of love!
      – There’s NOTHING wrong with you!

      xx,
      Vanessa

  • Anonymous says:

    Anonymous says
    Hi Vanessa. Thank you for this great work. You mention a workbook but I don’t see a link to it. I’m assuming you’re not referring to the cliff notes. Do you offer a workbook in this 4 part video series?
    Also curious what you have to say about so-called ‘cervical’ orgasms being one of the orgasms available to women. Is it possible to have an orgasm where the clitoris is not being stimulated?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! The workbook and the Cliff’s Notes are the same thing! In the future videos, you’ll have more specific questions to fill out. In this one, there’s a page for notes for your reactions.

      Cervical orgasms are just clitoral orgasms! You’re getting internal stimulation of the clitoris.

  • Elena says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing this video and the ones to come. I spent so many of my early sexual years feeling like I was broken because I struggle with orgasm. I felt like it was my “dirty little secret” and it filled me with so much shame. My sexual education was the penis goes into the vagina and that’s how babies are made. I thought penetration was the only way to have an orgasm and that it would just happen. I was devastated when own experiences did not play out that way and I assumed there must be something wrong with me. It is so freeing to know that I am not alone and that I am not broken. Thank you for your passion and for shattering the silence that surrounds female orgasm. I will gladly help you spread the word!

  • Laura says:

    Wow!!!! How refreshing to learn all this!!! I broke up with my bf 5 months ago to find myself. And I took charge of my own orgasms ever since then! I told my 17 yr old daughter about it and she was like…ummm. I said well okay, the video is here if u want to watch it. I don’t want her to be like my 17 yr old self when I was young. When I knew barely anything about sex and orgasms. Now? I wield this orgasm information like a sword and shield. It’s so amazing to learn! ❤️❤️❤️

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Laura,

      Oh my gosh, your comment brought tears to my eyes! I’m SO deeply touched to know that you shared the series with your daughter. Even though she responded “umm ok”, I can practically promise you that your words have had such a powerful impact on her. It’s seriously so amazing that you’re trying to end the cycle of misinformation and shame. You are amazing!

      Wishing you ALL THE LUCK in finding yourself and your orgasm! Please keep in touch after you watch the other videos!!

  • Isabel says:

    Thank you very much, Vanessa! Your information is much needed. I (55 years old) grew up in Switzerland with Spanish parents and never had any sexual education at all. I didn’t even have a word for my vagina, when I was a kid. As a young woman I thought my main purpose during sex was making sure my boyfriend enjoyed himself and climaxed. I didn’t know what worked for me and even less that I was entitled to knowing.
    It’s only now, during the past year, that I realised that I was missing out on a big part of being a human being, of being a full woman. I’m trying to make up for all the time I lost, getting information and trying things out. I’m discovering a whole new world and a whole new me. Thanks to a wonderful lover, (finally) open talks with my girl friends – and expert advice like yours, dear Vanessa! I’m very much looking forward to the next videos. Thank you!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Isabel,

      Thank you so much for watching the video and stopping by to say hello! I’m so glad that you enjoyed the video, and that it’s part of what sounds like a really amazing personal journey that you’re going through right now!

      (Little side note… when I was on the Rise Together podcast with Rachel and Dave Hollis, Rachel mentioned that one of her childhood friends only knew of her vagina as her “shame shame”. How sad that we are taught either no words for our bodies, or such horrible ones.)

      Please keep in touch and let me know what you think after the next videos!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hello,
    This is absolutely amazing, thank you! I have felt so “not normal” because of all the myths. I Just learned thanks to you what the clitoris actually looks like, and it makes so much sense already! Why on earth is this not taught in school?? I’ve never been shown, and always assumed it was just the nub I see; not to mention the that expecting an orgasm from penetration, would be like expecting a man to orgasm via his prostate. Thank you thank you thank you! I can’t say it enough. I’m looking forward to the rest of the videos!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      You are SO welcome!! I’m seriously so thrilled to hear that the video had such an impact on you. Yes, I wish this was taught in school too!! Let me know what you think after the next few videos 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    My relationship is on the rocks because I can’t seem to orgasm. I can get there on my own, and have (though not ever consistently) in other relationships, so I know it’s not that.

    He definitely puts in effort, but I can relate to the giving up… I can hit the plateau, and then “lose” it in a heartbeat, and then feel like I can’t get back there.

    He thinks that I just can’t with him, and so he keeps telling me I need to find someone who can get me there. It’s so frustrating, and it’s like he thinks that he’s suffering more from my lack of orgasms more than I am.

    I SO appreciate the free video series. I have health issues (Type I diabetic and PCOS as well as emotional issues due to my conditions) that completely drain my finances. These conditions also affect me sexually, so the struggle is especially more difficult.

    I pray that the rest of this series leads to a positive change in my ability to not only satisfy my need to orgasm, but also to my partners need for me to.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thank you so much for watching and sharing.

      Have you considered watching the series with your partner? My guess is that your partner is putting on this pressure because he doesn’t understand the truth about how female orgasm works either. It might be a huge relief to him to learn!

  • Bena says:

    The pressure is so intense. We’re meant to go from being told as kids not to touch ourselves and not to let anyone touch us to…we’re experts who know exactly how to touch ourselves and teach others such that orgasm is easy, fast and a sure thing. There are days that several minutes with a high intensity vibrator don’t make me orgasm so it seems impossible to orgasm manually or with my partner. And I definitely don’t have a partner who is overly interested in anything other than penetration, despite claims to having read Ian Kerner! So many frustration points that they all dam up the system is my guess…! Looking forward to learning more and some tips on how to actually communicate with a partner without clouding that talk with built up frustrations!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Bena,

      Thanks for watching and commenting! I know, it can almost feel like whiplash, going from one extreme kind of pressure to another, right?

      Have you considered watching the series with your partner?

      Let me know what you think after the next videos!

  • Beth says:

    I have been married for twenty years but orgasms have not been the most prolific for me. My husband teases me that I am like “Dinah Mo Hum” from the Frank Zappa song. I even admit to faking it just so he doesn’t feel his efforts at clitoral stimulation were wasted. Dumb! I can orgasm on my own but very rarely during sex even with plenty of clitoral stimulation. I think after listening to your first video that we simply rush through sex! I also just thought it was because I’m too much in my “head” to relax enough so yeah, I have a lot to learn and I’m looking forward to the next video!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Beth,

      Thanks for watching and sharing! Most couples really do rush through sex, and it can cause so many different kinds of problems. It would be really interesting to see what your sex life would look like if you gave yourself time and patience! (The time and patience that you DESERVE, by the way!)

  • Anonymous says:

    My ex-husband made me believe there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t orgasm from penetration. It’s so refreshing to hear I’m not weird. Thank you for sharing the truth and facts!

  • Michelle Howell says:

    Please thank you

  • Janella says:

    Thank you so much for doing this for free. There are so many people who need this who do not have the money to spend on something that seems so silly (little do they know this will be one of the ONLY science classes they don’t want to miss!)

    Right now, like a lot of people, I am hardly getting by financially so I want to say thanks – but not just for the “free” part. Thanks for the passion you have. Thanks for the love you have for women, and thanks so much for just going ahead and putting this together. (That’s from the procrastinator in me).

    I would sure like to see you start a Facebook group for this topic!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Janella,

      Thanks for leaving a comment!

      It was REALLY important to me to make this series free. I obviously do make my living (and support my employees) by selling my coaching services and courses. But I truly believe that we all deserve the information in this series for free. Thank you for your appreciation of that!

      Finishing School (my orgasm course) is an investment that not everyone can afford, but I do think it’s very much worth it, in part because it helps us realize that this is not a silly or insignificant issue. We all deserve to have a pleasurable and joyful relationship with our bodies!

      BTW, if you were ever interested in Finishing School, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com. We work hard to make the course available for women who we think would be a great fit, but who would not otherwise be able to afford it.

      And glad my passion comes across too 🙂 I feel like a dork sometimes for being so enthusiastic, but this work is just so, so important to me!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Brilliant, thank you. So sad to think of the many many many times I gave up not knowing there was a plateau phase – wow so looking forward to learning more x

  • Anonymous says:

    I absolutely give up after a few minutes!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi. As everyone else I want to thank you for releasing this videos for free, I have only gone through number one, and I expect to finish the others before the countdown ends.
    I also want to say that you are very graceful talking about this matter because it can constantly be a cliché un fact I’m watching it with the lowest volume so that my husband doesn’t wake up to her wife finding out how to orgasm. I Will tell him about this once I manage the information. Also I wanted to Let you know maybe as suggestion that you should (please) put some caption in spanish so i can send this to my friends.
    Going back to you being so graceful talking about this I would like More details, More visual aids because I recently gave birth for the first Time and that helped me a Lot on getting to know my body (because I went to the internet for so many doubts but still the parts and location AND conection between them can be somewhat confusing (or maybe Is just me)
    Anyway I’m grateful

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing these videos. I’ve learned to orgasm on my own. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in 2 years. We finally did last night. We went straight back to the whole intercourse only thing with no female foreplay (clitoral stimulation). Although I enjoyed connecting again and seeing him enjoy it it felt about as pleasurable as a gynecology exam to me. I got up the courage to talk with him about how my orgasm works, basically “wanna watch me get myself off?” He was super offended, angry. Said it was bad timing. Accused me a of being complicated, damaged from childhood, and selfish. I won’t believe these lies anymore. He’s bought into the myths and is really uncomfortable with communication. Anyone else have really resistant partners?

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa! Thanks for these great videos – they’ve been super helpful! What are your thoughts on masturbating with a vibrator? Would you recommend this as an option for someone who has never had an orgasm?

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! Thank you for this… seems revolutionary to me to know that there are two groups… the indirect and direct stimulation camps! I always find myself close to the edge but feeling too sensitive down there to keep going…. so I HAVE to stop.

    Knowing that indirect may be the way to go is refreshing and hopeful! That being said… what to do when feeling a hand cramp whenever trying out the new indirect technique?! 😳

  • Bex says:

    Hi Vanessa,

    When I successfully stimulate my clitoris I find that the pleasure increases very suddenly. I feel like it is too much and just NEED to stop/ push my husband away because although it feels great it is almost uncomfortable / too much. Any tips for pushing through or is this a normal orgasm? I hear of people getting multiple orgasms but I can’t imagine that as possible as I always feed an absolute need to stop/ push away (almost like when you are being tickled).

    Any advice would be super appreciative!

    • Anonymous says:

      I am the exact same ladies! You’re not alone!
      With mine I feel like I need to wee and the feeling is so intense that I push my partner away and can’t push over that line and just relax
      Any hot tips will be great!

    • Anonymous says:

      I am the EXACT same. And it happens every. Single. Time. 😕 it’s great to feel the pleasure so quickly but I’m starting to think I need less direct stimulation as it feels too intense and /uncomfortable to keep going.

      Hopefully we can get a few tips!

  • Dee says:

    Vanessa, thank you for making this video and sharing the information you have learned. My girlfriend, J, shared your link with me and she and I were pretty blown away at how SPOT on you are about so many things here. Together, J and I have managed to open her orgasmic experience to dizzy heights for her by focusing on her clitoris and helping her to remove many of the mental barriers to her own pleasure. It has been a journey of love, learning, LUSTFUL ORGASMIC DELIGHT, and fun. To your viewers I would say from listing to your first video, that you are 100% accurate in your guidance and recommendations. Finding a woman’s orgasmic pleasure through her clitoris is AMAZING, life changing, and so very bonding. I particularly enjoyed your comment on the average time it takes to orgasm and how, with more practice, that time decreases. I might emphasis your point that average time is accurate since J and I have had a session that went more than 90 minutes before getting to her orgasm! 🙂 Now, we are averaging around 5-8 minutes for an explosive clitoral orgasm that last for 20-60 seconds of, as J describes it, “pure heavenly pleasure.”

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom with others.

  • Renée says:

    Hi Vanessa! I loved your videos and your honest encouragement. I am really looking forward to putting these steps into practice. I am able to have orgasms on my own after masturbating alone in a very specific way. I would like to learn to masturbate in a different way and also to be able to orgasm with my husband – that is my main concern and something I feel I won’t ever attain.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Renee,

      Thanks for commenting! Switching up your technique takes a bit of time and practice, but it’s definitely doable. And the more ways you can orgasm on your own, the easier it can be to learn how to have an orgasm with a partner. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which is open until Sunday! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Carmen says:

    I believed all the myths i thought the was something wrong with me

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Carmen,

      I’m glad you now know that those are myths, and that there’s NOTHING wrong with you!

      • Anonymous says:

        The right way to finger a girls pussg.

        Googl

        I’m

      • Katy says:

        My concern about masturbation is that since I don’t feel the desire in my pussy, I’m afraid, it won’t work. I’ve tried several times (I heard earlier this helps to learn my body), but almost each time I felt I’m raping myself. Many times I am unable to feel joy when touching myself and it scares me. I’m stuck with the feeling ‘I can’t do it’.

  • Steph says:

    Hi Vanessa,

    I just watched the first 3 videos (after putting it off for a while out of fear I guess), and I feel so encouraged!
    My main concern, though, is that I’ve tried masturbating a lot over the years! Sometimes even for an hour or two. The whole “trying for a few minutes and then giving up” thing definitely doesn’t apply to me. lol I usually get to the “plateau” and then I get frustrated and it goes away. How long can the plateau last?? How do I get past the plateau? It’s incredibly frustrating when I’ve been masturbating for an hour or more, and I finally feel like I’m at the peak, and then it dissolves. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a mental block.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Steph,

      Thanks for watching and sharing! I know it can be easy to put this stuff off out of fear, so I’m really glad that you overcame that hurdle! If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get yourself to watch?

      The timing aspect is definitely a very important piece of it, but it’s not the only thing. So just giving yourself lots of time isn’t going to automatically make you orgasm. If you’re interested in learning more, I would love to welcome you into Finishing School! Doors are open now and close on Sunday!

    • Claire says:

      Hi Steph
      I can relate to your experience and frustrations. I give myself plenty of time but can’t seem to get there either.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi Claire,

        Thanks for watching and sharing!I wanted to share the same message to you that I did with Steph…

        The timing aspect is definitely a very important piece of it, but it’s not the only thing. So just giving yourself lots of time isn’t going to automatically make you orgasm. If you’re interested in learning more, I would love to welcome you into Finishing School! Doors are open now and close on Sunday!

  • Mel says:

    YES YES YES! Vanessa you say it all!

    I have struggled for years explaining to partners how their touch on clitoral stimulation would be a miracle to make me orgasm. That valuable information of ‘feeling’ can only be interpreted and responded to by myself – the one with the clitoris.

    The typical trail of thought upon masturbation – “Oh this is working… uh uh nah ah yep back there, yep yep ahhhh lost it, oh got it again, yep this is it, yessssss!”

    Past partners have made me feel ashamed that I have to pleasure myself during intercourse for that same build up that they get through penetration and it made me feel high maintenance, that I had a high tolerance, when clearly they just didn’t know how a woman’s body works.

    My last relationship breakdown destroyed me and my confidence in the bedroom that I couldn’t perform. Since finding you, I have built up my confidence once more and no longer see my orgasm as a problem or something to blame on myself.

    I am at a very financially difficult stage in my life right now, I would love to learn how to orgasm more freely and often. I hope in the future I could take one of your courses when I am in a good place $$$-wise.

    Thank you for all that you do Vanessa.

    • Von says:

      Mel, I couldn’t have said it better and understand. I’m sorry extremely confident and feel sexy in all other aspects of my life and it’s discouraging.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Mel,

      AWESOME! SO glad you enjoyed the series, and truly honored that my work has helped rebuild your confidence!

      I’m so sorry that your past partners made you feel “high maintenance.” This is why I am so tireless in my work… I want to educate people of all genders, so we can create a much more open environment around sex for everyone.

      I would be honored to have you join my courses whenever the time is right for you. If you’re feeling called to explore your orgasm right now, I do have a scholarship program! Please feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com for details!

  • Anonymous says:

    I was just curious with respect to time. Is the pleasure supposed to escalate if we stay consistent? What happens when you get bored (even if it feels good, it’s not mind blowing) do you just wrap it up for the day? Thanks so much

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! No, your pleasure will not increase in a linear fashion. It is often quite jagged, like the graph in the video. It’s easy to get bored, but it’s important to give yourself time!

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m truly starting to believe that I can learn to have an orgasm , I just hope I won’t give up at some point

  • Kelly says:

    Moisture is important to me as well. Masturbation feels so much better with a lubricant. If I am dry it’s just kind of irritating.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa,

    Thank you so much for these videos! Though I have been able to finish on my own for a while now, this series was nonetheless very helpful. I have always had difficulty finishing with a partner though usually getting very close, just rarely (3-4 times ever) crossing the edge and when I am able to, it’s not very strong like you said how it would be in your videos. It is definitely some sort of mental block or unintentional self-sabotage that I am trying to shake. Maybe it’s even something I need to learn: to be comfortable with being the center of someone’s attention for my own benefit (I hate being the center of attention or being a burden even though I know my partner enjoys doing it and I’m not a burden it still feels like it) or it could also be a subconscious unwillingness to give up some control to a partner no matter how close we are. I am very lucky to have wonderful, supportive, and patient boyfriend whose willing to practice and try different things and take our time and I think Finishing School would be perfect for me; however, it is not in the cards for me financially at this point. Hopefully in the next year or two I’ll be able to do it but for now, I will keep practicing with the tools you have shared in these videos and I will keep working on this journey. Thank you again for your help!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for watching and sharing!

      Yes, it definitely is a challenge to be the center of attention for a lot of women. We have an entire workshop in Finishing School about allowing yourself to receive.

      I would be honored to welcome you into Finishing School at any point! If you’re feeling called to the course now, we do offer a scholarship program! Feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com

  • Anonymous says:

    The videos have not been working all day

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. It seems like some people in certain parts of the world are having trouble accessing the videos. We have upgraded our servers and have had our tech team working on it all day! If you’re having trouble watching the videos and want to take advantage of the Quickstart bonus that we’re offering today only, please email us at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com today and we will work with you to make sure you can see the videos and decide if you’d like to join Finishing School today!

  • Anonymous says:

    Vanessa,

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing these videos. I first heard about you when listening to the Rise Together podcast but hadn’t thought too much about it because I felt like there was something wrong with me for having issues in the bedroom. After watching the last video I finally got the courage to discuss my issues with my husband and he was so supportive and wished I had spoken up sooner. I cannot thank you enough for that. I feel that we are already on the road to a better sex life.

    I am just finishing up grad school and still without a full time job so I don’t know if I can sign up for Finish School this go around but I know that I definitely will as soon as I am financially able to do so.

    Thank you for sharing your story and knowledge!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting!

      So glad you found me through Rise Together. I love Rach and Dave, and it was a huge honor to be on the podcast. And I’m so glad that I could help you understand that there is NOTHING wrong with you! AND I’m so glad you spoke to your husband and that he was supportive! So many good things 🙂

      Would be honored to have you join Finishing School at any point in the future. (Our next Live round will probably be mid to late 2020.) I do also offer student scholarships (I remember being a struggling grad student myself, all too well!), so please feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you’re feeling pulled to join now 🙂

  • Bill C says:

    Vanessa-Marin,
    I first responded after the first two videos telling you that I was going to watch with my wife. Little background, my wife and I have been married 38 years and from perspective our sex life has been exceptional. Also I am a typical male wanting it 24/7. My wife Sue is postmenopausal and we use the CBD spray Foria Awaken which has been a wonderful gift to our / her sex life. I told her I want to watch your wonderful wonderful videos with her (not only for us, but also for our young adult daughter, and our granddaughters) which kinda got her attention. But last night she said that she’s comfortable with her self and it feels like I want to change her. Also I have encouraged her to show me how she likes me to arouse her to a orgasm. Which I believe she has most of the time. There are the times that she says “ go ahead and to a quick wam bam thank you mam” which I like but don’t because I love to have her enjoy too, which she says she always enjoys even if she doesn’t orgasm. And I honor her wishes. Sorry for being so verbose but I can’t express how much I love her and love her enjoying me herself etc… Yes I’m a man in a women’s revolution but I am telling my grown adult son how much I’m learning not only from you but Emily Morris and all the beautiful people you all guide me too! Any suggestions on encouraging my wife to watch? THANK YOU FOR YOU PASSIONATE WELL DONE VIDEOS 👍🏻❤️

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Bill,

      Thanks for your response and support! It sounds like your wife is satisfied with your sex life. She said she’s comfortable with herself. It seems like she orgasms often, and she also enjoys sex even when she doesn’t orgasm (which is perfectly normal!). So I would say to her, “I’m sorry if I came off as trying to change you. I’ve heard you say that you’re satisfied with our sex life, and if you don’t want to change anything about your orgasm, I respect that. I just really enjoyed these videos, and I thought they could open an interesting conversation between us. Not because I want you to change anything about your orgasm, but just because I learned a lot of new stuff and I would love to talk about what I learned with you. Would you be open to that?”

      • Bill says:

        Yes really open to your suggestions! I don’t think we’re going to take advantage of finishing school at this point sadly (I really loved your explanation and you sharing how you and husband do and frequently). Maybe you’ll make the offer again. I have shared your video’s you are so spot on. You have change our lives and can’t wait till I can communicate as you suggested. Just like your four steps to an orgasm it’ll take some good timing and trial and error to getting Sue to view the videos. Love how you put it into perspective…I’m a lucky guy who has the most wonderful, beautiful (in side and out) wife in the whole world. Thank you again 😍

  • Anonymous says:

    dear vanessa,

    thank you so much for this video! i really love the way you explain women’s need for clitoral stimulation being analogous to men’s need for penile stimulation. i have spent a bit of time listening to you with the finishing school course and reading the accompanying emails. but listening to a live explanation with diagrams, your sharing of the male analogy of the vagina, even the logic of the number of nerve endings in the clitoris versus vagina, is great to hear. i have shared this with some of my friends and i hope it will lead to us being able to have better conversations with one another and more fun and pleasurable experiences with our partners.

    thanks again!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for putting this information out there. This info would have been so useful to me years ago when I felt inadequate because I did not orgasm during intercourse. It has taken me many years to feel comfortable during sex.

    • Anonymous says:

      hey there,

      i just watched this video and had a similar thought to you. i wish i’d been able to explain this just as well or even shown this video to my most recent ex. it would have been super-helpful to have him think a bit this way.

      good luck for the future!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the videos
    I would have signed up if it weren’t so expansive
    I wish to just get the basic lessons without all the “bonuses” so that the price would be more accessible for people like me.
    I really thank for the free videos but it really frustrates me that these kind of services and courses are so only for the rich people.
    Hope you will consider releasing a cheaper option, without all the additions on top the additions…
    Thank you

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hello, thanks for reaching out and sharing! I appreciate the opportunity to address the price.
      Finishing School definitely is an investment, and there’s no denying that it’s just not going to be available for a lot of women. That’s why I put so much love and work into this free series.
      I do also offer a scholarship program, so please feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com Asking for what you need is a big part of what this course is all about!
      Also, to clarify, the bonuses do not increase the price. I set the price for Finishing School, and then decided to add all of the bonuses on top of that because I’m so excited to welcome the community of women who will be joining! The bonuses are gifts! <3

  • Alexis says:

    I’ve loved your video series thus far Vanessa and it’s been an absolute eye opener for me. I must admit, I was a little disappointed when you said that the key to having an orgasm is masturbation which I’ve been happily doing for years. However, I’m open to trying your method and seeing what works for me, and giving myself time to feel the pleasure. I’m beginning to realise that I haven’t given myself time or permission to orgasm with any of my previous partners, I still worry that I’m taking too long or they’re getting bored, but I’m learning that my pleasure is just as important as theirs. Thank you for sharing your tips and tricks, I can’t wait to try them out!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thanks for sharing Alexis! Giving yourself the permission for time and pleasure is HUGE! If you’d like more support in exploring this, I would love to welcome you to Finishing School!

  • Anonymous says:

    Really hoping this will help me. I was sexually abused as a child and sex wasn’t openly discussed in my house growing up. On top of this I’m visually impaired so when learning about sex it took me a bit longer to learn what was what. Iv been with my partner for 4 years now and I think iv orgasmed twice in that time. Looking forward to trying to orgasm on my own too

  • Anonymous says:

    BLOWN AWAY that 20 minutes is the average arousal time before orgasm. I’ve been feeling self-conscious when it doesn’t happen in 5 minutes or less. Will definitely be giving myself more time and sharing this with my partner. Thank you!

  • Gena says:

    Growing up I was thought to believe sex is wrong. So I wasn’t given any information about sex only about preventing pregnancy which I think is so ironic lol. How can you not talk about the act that causes pregnancy. So I’ve had to find out about sex on my own which to this day is so horrible. My needs were never considered by me funny right. I always thought I should do this for him and I’ll be happy. How could I be happy when I wasn’t even experiencing the joy that came with having a orgasm. I lost my virginity when I was 22 and I have yet to reach orgasm with a partner. To be honest the fact that I grew up with house full of people taught me to orgasm by not without touching myself I could watch porn and orgasm just by look and fantasizing about the act. Not only one orgasm but the most I’ve had consistently is 4. Which means I can I have more. Its just sad that there are so many myths out there telling women how there bodies should work and respond to sex. I feel so sad for the women that cant achieve orgasm because of the lies they have been told. Don’t even mention the strain it had on my relationship I felt like a disappointment and failure because his pass gf orgasmed on demand and he craved that which lead me to believe he would leave me for someone who could give him what he wanted. The thought of him orgasming with another woman drove me mad with jealousy. That’s why I thank you for making your life’s work or mission to stop all these myths about orgasms. I will keep listening and sharing your videos.

  • Jessica says:

    I did finishing school and absolutely loved it. I learned how to orgasm using your four step method. My orgasms are fairly reliable now but I still have a really hard time mentally, when I am trying to orgasm with a partner. So while I believe that I am capable, and I know WHAT to do, I still don’t understand how to get my head around being with someone else while trying to have an orgasm. I have all sorts of subconscious thoughts about how I look, how long it’s taking, and other random things that pop into my head – it’s so distracting that it takes me twice as long and makes me want to give up. What should I do about this?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Jessica,

      Thanks for sharing about your Finishing School experience! I’m so honored to know that you loved it 🙂

      I know the mental aspect of orgasm with a partner can bring up a lot. The best way to address this is with the Polite Brushoff technique. You want to keep digging into that exercise over and over again, based on the specific thoughts that you notice pop into your head.

      Yesterday I sent out an email to past Finishing School students about joining this Live round. Did you see it? Would love to have you join!

      • Jessica says:

        I did see that! I so wish it was in the budget but I just moved and that has been kind of a money pit. I can’t quite remember The polite brush off technique. I’m gonna have to go dig that out! Thank you! And thank you for everything you do

    • Eva says:

      Hey, I feel you. I don’t have a problem orgasming by myself, but if it happens at all with a partner, it takes a really long time and all the cards have to be right (good headspace, feel sexy, not tired/sleepy). I have only watched the first two videos, so I hope she might address this in the next few videos. I hope there’s an answer to this as well.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have been able to orgasm but do so inconsistently. The plateau phase is very pleasurable and when I get to a gradual rise after 10-15 mins, I get into the “yippee – it’s almost here…it’s almost here” phase…..part excited, part expectant, a part of me wondering if it will happen……and then many a times, the actual orgasm ends up eluding me. I am wondering if you have any pointers for what I can consider doing (or undoing) during those few seconds that I have described above. (I also notice my inner sphincter muscle tightening and pulling away from the ground, which when I am aware, I am able to consciously relax). So, as you can see, a lot going on….and yes, I AM in my own way….but isn’t that almost always the problem?:) Thanks so much.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am not someone who has been shamed into not masturbating, but it’s never been something I’ve felt like I needed to do. I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 years and his sex drive is higher than mine, so if I ever felt the urge he was there. I have been unable to orgasm with him but still enjoy sex. I can set aside time to masturbate, but just wondering if you have any tips on how to get in the right mindset when you are by yourself? Thanks!

  • Calvin Reese says:

    Thanks for the information, I’ll take that and use it.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’ve never struggled to orgasm but this technique makes it way more simple and enjoyable and I’ve learned so much that I never knew around the anatomy and physiology behind orgasm which also adds to the pleasure. Thank you!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks so much for these videos! They have been very helpful. I have started being able to orgasm consistently!!

    I do have a doubt. With just one or two strokes/positions that bring me to orgasm, sex sometimes feels like a chore. The reason for this is since I have to be the one to know exactly how to get myself to orgasm–instead of relying on a partner, like media tells us we should expect– and I generally do the same things, the surprise and novelty of the sensations I know how to give myself has worn off, and the process does not seem as exciting to me anymore.
    Additionally, the actual sex before my orgasm is pleasurable, but I don’t crave it. It seems like my sexual experience is all about getting to what I actually crave–the orgasm. A lot of times, especially when the orgasm that I have is small, putting all of the effort into making it happen seems like a lot for such a small or unsatisfying reward.

    How do you enjoy sex pre-orgasm? Is it normal that I don’t crave it?
    Is there any way to control the size or length of your orgasms? Do you have any suggestions for how to make the process exciting again?

  • Meg says:

    Would you recommend using some form of lubrication for this?

  • Anonymous says:

    Have you ever heard of like a refractory period for women? Like that men need time in between orgasms or ejaculation before they can do it again? Is that true for women too? I’m able to orgasm consistently but I can only have a clitoral orgasm once in like a 24 hr period. Is that weird lol? Thanks!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you. I do have that part dialed in pretty good to the point where I’d like to find different ways to orgasm. I also only orgasm by myself with my fantasies. I am not able to bring that into my partner sex and want to badly.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi,

      Thanks for sharing! This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens TOMORROW! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Being a survivor of sexual molestation when a child and young girl (by both parents l), sex has always been complicated. I can enjoy sex but can’t orgasm with a partner. I can orgasm by myself if I watch porn. Dissociation is still very strong..

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, I’m so sorry to hear that sexual abuse has been a part of your history. If you were interested in joining Finishing School, there’s a special section specifically for survivors of sexual abuse. If there’s any other way I can support you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com

  • Anonymous says:

    I have never been able to reach orgasm. Part of it is mental, I feel like I get to this point that is like “ooo too much stop”. I feel like I am supposed to push past that but doing so is challenging. How do I get past that?

    I have masturbated in the past and struggled. A sex therapist gave a talk at my college and mentioned that women who masturbated on their stomachs will have a hard time reaching orgasm (especially with a partner). Do you know if this is true? Why would it be the case?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting!

      I don’t know why that sex therapist told you that! It doesn’t matter what position you masturbate in; you can learn to orgasm with a partner.

      In terms of getting past those blockages in the final few seconds, this is something I teach in great detail in Finishing School, which opens TOMORROW! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    OMG, tried your technique last night, not only did I orgasm within the 1st 5 min, but multiple times and (warning TMI) squirting, which is a very first for me. So excited to try with my partner!!!

  • safia says:

    OMG you actually speak in a language that I understand. I listen to a lot of podcasts etc on this but I often find there’s too much heady information that is over whelming. where as you speak about things you can actually do to achieve it. For years I thought my sexual parts did not work, after attending sex therapy I did achieve orgasm but not consistently. I also often question If i have really had an orgasm or if i just got so good at faking it I have tricked my self. I think this comes from comparing what I experience with how other people describe orgasm as this ‘ground shattering’ ‘oceans crashing’ ‘mind bending’ out of body experience. Because of all of this information online and in the media I have written a lot of mine off and remained feeling alone and dysfunctional. That thing people say “when you have one you will know” Im constantly second guessing because of this.
    I am so exited to of watched this and realized that I have been having orgasms and they can get stronger, and you can help me achieve that.
    I constantly compare my self to others, and the fact I struggle to orgasm has been a huge negative judgement of my self for years.
    I have a question, people often describe the clit as something that you can visibly see and pokes out, I think mine is fully hidden inside the hood, could that be a thing? and does that mean it’s less sensitive? x

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Safia,

      Thanks for sharing! I’m so glad you enjoyed the series, and that it spoke to you!!

      The clitoris isn’t always visible. Every woman has a clitoral hood, which protects the clit. On some women, the clit is much more pronounced that others. It doesn’t mean it’s less sensitive though!

      • Anonymous says:

        Oh my. I’ve had such similar questions – are we anatomically different enough that maybe some of us (me) can’t reach orgasm except maybe in one way or very infrequently and certainly not with a partner? And the tidbit you shared about how brief orgasms can be is truly the first time I’ve ever heard that. I think I’ve built orgasm up to something so much longer or intense that I might be missing out on enjoying what is happening in my body. I’m behind and just started watching the videos, so I look forward to more. Thank you!

  • Bridget says:

    I know I can and have orgasmed. I still struggle with consistency. It is the one thing that worries me. I will say your advice to not overwhelm my body with too much exploration is probably the most important for me. I tend to do that too often. So, once again, thank you.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Bridget,

      You’re welcome!

      If you’d like to explore developing better consistency, I would be honored to have you join us in Finishing School! Enrollment opens tomorrow!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa! I love your videos, I’m used to masturbating with my imagination and for the first time I tried to do it only thinking in the sensations I was feeling and it was awesome! Something that happens to me when I try to mix penetration with clitoral stimulation is that I feel I don’t know what pleasant sensation pay attention to, I don’t know if this happens for the pressure that I put on me or for impatience. Your videos have given me encouragement to keep trying and to see pleasure in a different way! Thank you!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi I too have thought all along that woman orgasm from penile stimulation . I’m looking forward to learning more ! Thankyou

  • Anonymous says:

    I’ve been able to consistently orgasm on my own, but have been struggling for around two months to orgasm with my partner. I’ve tried some techniques, touching myself during sex (I think maybe this is too much going on for me, or I get frustrated after around a minute, or I get self-conscious). I’ve always wanted to try masturbating infront of him while he kisses me, touches my body, etc, but I feel self-conscious. Do you think this technique would be a smoother transition to being able to orgasming with a partner?

    Also, follow-up: I want to join your Finishing School program (the one specifically for getting there with a partner). Will it still be available in a few weeks? I want to join I am just waiting to save up a bit more money. Thanks 🙂

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting!

      Yes, the Four-Step method can be a great way to transition to learning how to orgasm with a partner!

      The 2019 Live round of Finishing School opens TOMORROW and closes on Sunday! We will have a payment plan available to help spread out the payments. Would love to have you join us!

  • Anonymous says:

    A lot of good stuff already! Thanks for debusting some myths!

    How would you advise someone who really doesn’t feel much enthusiasm to try to pleasure herself? I keep hearing from friends that I need to start by exploring myself, but I really don’t feel called to do so..

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Thanks for watching!

      I talk about arousal in Finishing School, but what I would first start with is do you want to explore your orgasm? It doesn’t matter what your friends say. What do you genuinely want for yourself? There are plenty of women out there who genuinely aren’t that interested in orgasm, and that’s perfectly OK!

  • Anonymous says:

    Have I had an orgasm and just don’t realise it. I sometimes get to a pint where it gets so intense that I have to get my partner to stop as I feel like I am going to lose control. (I also get like this when I am masturbating) I get him to stop as I am scared to let go. Sometimes I also need to go pee after.

  • Jensa says:

    I haven’t been able to orgasm with just using my fingers in forever. I’ve always had to use a vibrator or something. Well, I just followed your instructions and had an orgasm within minutes!! I’m serious!
    Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Would be miraculous if I actually learned something

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa, does weight play any part in reaching orgasms alone or with a partner. My partner complains about my weight (175 lbs @ 5’6″), but he’s heavy as well. We are both working on fitness but that will take some time. Any ideas for the interim? For enjoyable sex and orgasms in general.

    • Anonymous says:

      As a chunky girl myself let me say it is not that. My partner and I have no problems. But when we were having a few issues we found that communication is key tell him what you like or dont like (after you figure it out on your own).

    • Anonymous says:

      Sorry about how he makes you feel. I know for myself that when I had a boyfriend and he made repeated criticisms or comments about anything and he couldn’t accept that we were different and have, say, different hobbies, I wouldn’t feel as close to him or as attracted to him, if at all, anymore. That would greatly impact how I felt about us and my drive. I had a much harder time responding when I felt diminished about myself (yes, that was my own self esteem at the time) and/or him due to ongoing criticism. That also happened when I dated a fantastic guy but no matter what, I just wasn’t physically attracted to him. I know that if someone I loved complained about my appearance I wouldn’t feel comfortable or good about us and I probably wouldn’t be orgasmic. By the way, I was always very slim but I weigh more than you now. I’ve been told I don’t look my weight. It’s true that the numbers don’t always reflect how we look and it doesn’t mean we’re the [email protected]@ word.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! No, weight does not play a role. Women of any size can experience pleasure in their bodies. I’m so sorry that your partner is making you feel badly about your weight.

  • Anonymous says:

    These step-by-step instructions are the most clear and useful tools I have come across in all my reading on the subject of female orgasm. Thank you for removing the mystery from this experience!

    I wonder what your thoughts are on watching this video with a partner—could you weigh in on any methods your clients have successfully used to open this discussion with a partner?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      AWESOME!!! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

      Xander and I made an Instagram story about how to watch these videos with your partner. If you DM me on Instagram (VanessaMarinTherapy), I can send those videos to you!

      • Debbie says:

        I got an Instagram account . . . but I am struggling to send you a DM. I see you have several videos on Instagram. Which video is about watching videos with your partner?

        • Vanessa Marin says:

          You can email Jennifer, my social media manager (and sister!) at Jennifer [at] vmtherapy [dot] com, and she will walk you through how to get the videos!

          • Debbie says:

            I just watched the video . . . and it was awesome! It says a lot that Xander was willing to do the video with you! 🙂

      • Debbie says:

        I don’t have an Instagram account . . . maybe I should get one . . . but I would love to see those videos.
        Then I would know what to do when I do have a partner in the future! 🙂

  • woman 43 years old says:

    Hi, thanks, this looks great and I am excited to try it.
    Thing is, I’ve tried masturbating many times.
    I sometimes went for a very long time (30-40 minutes).
    I usually used a vibrator and it felt great (I even did the body movements you suggest), but still never “went over”.
    Do you have any knowledge about how many times women practice this technique of yours before they orgasm for the first time?
    many many thanks for giving this out for free! appreciate it greatly. thanks.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! I’m excited that you’re excited to try, haha!

      I wish I could give you a specific number of how many times to try, but it’s just so variable from woman to woman. If you would like to go through this process with more support and structure, I would love for you to check out Finishing School when it opens on Wednesday!

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m starting to believe that I can have orgasms again, consistently! Interesting to learn it’s a skill that needs practice. Finishing School sounds interesting. Also, I like the thought of the woman community aspect of Finishing School. Like Book Club. Can’t wait for video four.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Yes! I’m so glad you’re starting to believe this can happen for you. And yes, so important to realize that it is a skill.

      Oh my gosh, I’m going to have to steal that “book club” comparison. Like a book club, but for orgasm! Would LOVE to have you join us. Registration opens tomorrow and closes on Sunday!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have problems becoming aroused, I’ve tried reading, watching porn for women, thinking of fantasies but nothing is really my fantasy and now i’m just disappointed because it seems like all the answers in this video series seem to require you being aroused first :/

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for your comment!

      There’s so much to teach about orgasm that I unfortunately can’t cover everything in this series. But the GREAT NEWS is that I do cover everything in Finishing School, which opens for enrollment tomorrow! Arousal is a big part of is, and I share plenty of specific techniques. There’s even a surprise bonus about it! Would be honored to have you as a part of our community!

    • Anonymous says:

      I have this same issue and I can reach orgasm. Just have patience , relax and enjoy the road. If you can reach the O, great; if not, continue the next day. Touch different parts of your vulva to figure out which part is the most satisfying for you.

    • woman 43 years old says:

      hi, I’m not an expert but from some experience in masturbating, you don’t need to be aroused first. you can just relax with nice music and go ahead.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for the videos! They’ve been super helpful … I was only ever able to orgasm with one partner. Been struggling with my current one for a year. It’s taken a huge toll on us both. So I decided to start masterbating … I couldn’t get myself off with my hands. So I tried a vibrator. It has worked! But only if I am watching porn. I tried touching myself today with the instructions on your video .. and I did get myself off with my hands. But again, by watching porn. Do you have any advice for learning to get yourself there without it? I don’t want to tell my parent I think I need to watch something’s every time we have sex so I can get off. I’d also like to learn how to get there on my own with my own mind instead of need visuals of someone else. Thanks in advance! And again thank you for all that you do!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting! Yes, you definitely can learn to reach orgasm without watching porn. Switching up your technique takes a bit of time and practice, but it’s definitely doable if it’s something you desire. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens tomorrow! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

    • Anonymous says:

      I do too only reach O if watching porn. Also Want to learn how to get there using just my mind.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi, thanks for commenting! Yes, you definitely can learn to reach orgasm without watching porn. Switching up your technique takes a bit of time and practice, but it’s definitely doable if it’s something you desire. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens on Wednesday! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Denise says:

    Masturbation or sex in general was not to be spoken of in our house growing up. Now as an adult with 5 kids I want to make them comfortable with thier own bodies and know that if they have questions about sex they can ask, because i didnt have that. I want to change the way I feel but any time the word comes up I instantly feel “dirty”. I have masturbated many time but the feeling of shame is there every time and its something I cant break away from no matter what I try.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Denise,

      Did you use the workbook from Video #2? It does take time to overcome these beliefs, especially if you’ve been believing them for your entire life. But it IS possible, and it’s such a gift to give to your children.

      If you’d like to overcome your shame surrounded by tons of support and community, Finishing School opens for registration TOMORROW!! Would love to have you join us!

    • Debbie says:

      Denise, my heart goes out to you. I, too, have felt shame while masturbating. While I have been very open and honest with my children about sex, the subject of masturbation has not come up. If it did, however, I hope that I would be able to tell them that sex is a normal, natural part of life and masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of . . . I think feeling shame when we are masturbating or when we are having sex with our loving partners is an extremely destructive emotion . . . and I would not wish that on my children! Hopefully, this is a safe place for us to release that shame so we do not pass this legacy on!

  • Sonia says:

    I’m 52 and with my 3rd partner after 19 years. I orgasmed with the first partner (7 year marriage) every time, but I had to be on top. I never orgasmed with the second partner. The relationship was short-lived. I got pregnant and he decided not to be in the picture. I was devastated! I spent the next 19 years raising my daughter on my own.

    I was raised sticking Catholic where anything that had to do with sex was wrong and shameful. My parents were over-the-top controlling.

    My daughter is grown and I met a nice guy. We’ve known each other over 2 years and have been dating for almost a year. I’m comfortable with him but feel something is holding me back. I’m definitely more sexually fee because he makes me feel free. I’ve tried things I would NEVER have done in the past (toys; anal –not crazy about it but at least I tried it; watch porn; and masterbate. I have not been able to climax with my boyfriend and end up having to masterbate to climax and feel the presence to do it quickly cause sometimes it can take over 30 minutes. My boyfriend has commented that maybe we’re not compatible and that he needs to know he’s able to bring me pleasure. I’d also like to know if age, going through menopause and having had a partial hysterectomy plays a part in having difficulty with orgasms. Almost a year into the relationship and I feel somewhat frustrated not being able to orgasm easily or with him. I really care about my boyfriend and don’t want him to think I don’t desire him.

    Apart from viewing your videos and practicing the techniques, would you have any other helpful advice.

    Thank you.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Sonia,

      Thanks for sharing!

      I would tell your boyfriend that orgasm says nothing about sexual compatibility. Let him know that you would like to explore your pleasure and sex life together, so you guys feel like a team, instead of you feeling pressure to perform for him.

      Menopause and a hysterectomy can lead to changes in the stimulation you need to reach orgasm, but neither one of them prevent orgasm.

      I teach all of these steps in a lot of detail in Finishing School, which opens up tomorrow! Would love to have you join us 🙂

  • Júlia says:

    But how do I get a bit aroused in the first place in order to then follow these steps and try to have an orgasm? That’s what I struggle with, I don’t feel like staring to touch myself out of nowhere

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Julia,

      Thanks for commenting!

      Getting yourself aroused and excited about masturbating is a necessary first step. It’s also a very individual process. It’s something that I teach in a lot of detail in Finishing School, which opens up on Wednesday! Would love to have you join us 🙂

  • Petra says:

    Thanks for this Vanessa. I did manage to orgasm with these techniques, and do manage to orgasm on my own with circles on my clit. But it takes me 30-40 mins from start to finish and I feel like that is too long to ask a partner to stimulate me for. I have orgasmed with a partner with a vibrator as that is quicker. Are there any ways I can reduce that time?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Petra,

      Thanks for watching and leaving a comment!

      I’m SO EXCITED that you were able to orgasm using these techniques!! CONGRATS!!!

      It does take a lot longer in the beginning, so that’s totally normal. Learning how to decrease the timing is something that I teach in a lot of detail in Finishing School, which opens up on Wednesday! Would love to have you join us 🙂

      • Lilly says:

        I spend an hour to reach O!
        But in the last 3 , they were in 20 minutes, 30 minutes and 20 minutes. I’m so happy that it has shorten the time. Now my issue is the need of watching porn to reach orgasm. Can’t wait to watch the 4th video

    • Anonymous says:

      This is pretty exciting for my as these techniques seem to be working for me ! Circles work great too!! Thanks so much for putting your time into this Vanessa ♥️

  • Anonymous says:

    I am 77 and never had a real orgasim until I used a vibrator at 72 ( buying one as my husband was in his 80s and having a difficult time erecting ) I was amazed at the feeling so different the ‘sex’!

  • Diana kalsi says:

    Your video is very useful I like to learn more of how to reach an orgasm, being struggling all my life.

  • Trish says:

    I love that you debunked the myths of female orgasm. I’ve been working on the “letting go” myth. It works for me but not with my partner.

  • Anonymous says:

    I see people saying this worked for them but is there anyone this technique didnt work for? I can usually get myself to orgasm but i tried this thinking it may help me get there everytime. But i felt nothing. I ended up switching back to my usual technique to finish. I gave it time and tried all of it but those strokes didnt do anything for me. My body has obviously gotten used to one specific technique I use. My problem is though even if i do this technique in front of a partner or teach them how to do it, i feel nothing then. Its like my brain blocks any pleasurable feelings from happening if someone else is there!!!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you for sharing.

      I tried to be really clear in the video to not expect that you would have an orgasm right away using these techniques. I think it’s amazing that some women are having such quick success with it, and I can imagine that seeing that success could bring up conflicting feelings for a lot of other women who aren’t having success right away. I hope you can continue exploring the Four-Step method with openness and curiosity.

      Additionally, if you’re used to using one very specific technique on your own, it’s going to take a bit more time for your body to get used to these new techniques. Switching up your technique takes a bit of time and practice, but it’s definitely doable if it’s something you desire. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens on Wednesday! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

      • Debbie says:

        I, too, have one very specific technique . . . After all, I have been doing this for a long time! . . . but what I discovered is that I was using the techniques you gave us . . . I had just figured it out on my own. Now I can describe what I like using your terminology . . . I like indirect stimulation. I always wondered why I was feeling annoyed when I was given direct stimulation. I like quite a bit of pressure . . . and I like to be on my stomach . . . probably simulating being on top. I also like a moderate speed . . . not too fast . . . That again is annoying . . . and I also tighten my muscles and hold my breath. I haven’t really tried rocking my hips back and forth . . . but I will give that a try on the rare occasion that I masturbate on my back. Thank you, Vanessa! I now have the terminology to be very specific with a partner on how to do what I do! 🙂

    • Cath says:

      I hear you. Same for me. It’s the brain block that’s so difficult to overcome. Also practically hard to masturbate when guy is on top and having to fiddle means you can’t use your hands to just touch or hold the guy. Wish it wasn’t so stressful. Apparantlr pigs have their clitoris in the vagina. That seems far more useful than our design.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi! I’m posting my same comment above so you can see it 🙂

        Hi! Thank you for sharing.

        I tried to be really clear in the video to not expect that you would have an orgasm right away using these techniques. I think it’s amazing that some women are having such quick success with it, and I can imagine that seeing that success could bring up conflicting feelings for a lot of other women who aren’t having success right away. I hope you can continue exploring the Four-Step method with openness and curiosity.

        Additionally, if you’re used to using one very specific technique on your own, it’s going to take a bit more time for your body to get used to these new techniques. Switching up your technique takes a bit of time and practice, but it’s definitely doable if it’s something you desire. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens on Wednesday! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Andrea says:

    Thank you so much for all of this useful and great information! I am definitely going to experiment with masturbation. At the moment I can only have an orgasm if I use a vibrator alone or while having sex. I even have to bring my vibrator when my husband and I go on vacation. I can’t seem to orgasm without the vibrator. Have I overstimulated myself?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Andrea,

      Tthanks for sharing! Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens on Wednesday!

  • Olaf Gitter says:

    I would add that vocalization along with movement and breathing techniques might also be conducive to achieving an orgasm.

  • Kelly Holtby says:

    Thank uou for this video…im 56 years old and i truly thought i was broken until i came across your videos…

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Kelly,

      Thank you for leaving a comment! I am truly touched to know I was able to help you understand that you are NOT broken!

  • Jen says:

    This comment was in response to a suggestion from someone else to an earlier post; not sure what happened, but I can no longer see either the original post or the person’s suggestion, so sorry if this appears like it’s coming from nowhere! It makes no sense without the prior entries in the string.

    • Vanessa says:

      Hi Jen,

      Just wanted to let you know I’ve pulled the original response down. I LOVE that so many ladies are jumping in and sharing kind words and suggestions! But the response suggested something that I do not support. I saw your original post and will respond at a later time!

      • Jen says:

        Got it—thanks!

        • Vanessa Marin says:

          Hi Jen,

          Thanks for watching and for taking the time to respond.

          The challenge in making a video series like this is that I simply can’t address every unique situation. That’s part of the reason why I created Finishing School, which is a very comprehensive course, and why I continue to offer personal orgasm coaching. I think it’s wonderful that you have devoted yourself to exploring your own body and trying different techniques. I spent 10 years myself struggling with my orgasm, so I have had my own experience of trying to be patient and open and positive, and still not having orgasms. Our stories actually sound pretty similar… I also didn’t think I had major blockages in place, had a pretty positive attitude about my body and sex in general, was even studying to be a sex therapist at the time! And still nothing worked for me. I’m sorry that you’ve heard so many sex therapists say to enjoy sex without an orgasm. I know that advice made me crazy when I was going through my own struggles. And I want to reiterate that I firmly believe that every woman is capable of orgasm.

          As to your feedback about the relationship between orgasm and becoming a woman who knows what she wants, I don’t think that an orgasm is a necessary aspect of that journey. In other words, it’s absolutely possible to have all kinds of confidence and self-assuredness regardless of your relationship with orgasm. My goal in sharing these aspects of the videos are to show women that our relationships with our orgasms CAN open up so much more. Not that there’s no other way to get to that place. I of course can’t predict or prevent people from responding to my videos in specific ways, but I am sorry if watching the video brought up strong feelings for you. My intent was to make women feel fired up and excited!

          If you didn’t feel like you resonated with the video series, please know that these aren’t the only approaches or strategies for orgasm. I would be honored to do personal orgasm coaching with you if you ever felt called to do so!

  • Hayley says:

    Ha! After watching this third video I was thinking ‘well, that’s good advice I suppose but it really doesn’t sound like it’ll work for me’ – then straight after that you said everyone thinks like that! That gives me hope – I suppose I have to put in some practice and have patience with myself. At the very least I feel much less alone now, and a bit less hopeless. Thank you for making these videos 🙂

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Hayley,

      Oh that’s too funny! I know my audience well 🙂

      You deserve practice and patience, and I know that you can get there! If you would like to explore this process with more support, I would love for you to join us in Finishing School! The course opens up for enrollment on Wednesday!

  • Sarah says:

    How long do I masterbate for? I’ve never had an orgasm. Well possibly one.. I’m not sure.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi. Is there any correlation with low testosterone and being able to or strength of orgasm? I am 33 and never climaxed and had my total testosterone checked on 2 separate occasions. I guess it should be around 50 for my age, and the first time it was only 2.5! Then then next lab draw came back at 20. So I think these levels usually when people are in menopause? The doc prescribed testosterone cream and after taking it for 2 months I stopped it since I was unable to climax even though my number shot up to 90, which I felt was too high and didn’t want the bad possible side effects. Just curious your thoughts if there could be something physically wrong with me to prevent me from ever climaxing due to low T.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for your comment! Hormone issues are really complex, and I don’t have the space to adequately address them here. But they have a smaller effect on orgasm than most people think. In other words, it’s very possible to have orgasms regardless of what’s going on with your hormone levels.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa Thanks for video 3. I am 57, have been orgasming since 21years of age. Moved to vibrators in the last 5 years. Followed your 4 step method this morning and I felt that I was a direct stroke diagonal. What happened was that I would find a sweet pressure and speed where the sensation lasted all of 2 seconds
    What do I do when the brief sensation ceases – is the idea to alter pressure and speed to try and re-establish the sensation?
    This is what I did but I felt I was constantly chasing a very ephemeral sensation that felt like it habituated very quickly to my touch and then moved to a slightly different location.
    I tried very hard to be consistent in stroke but am I supposed to be consistent with stroke, pressure and speed even when the slight senesation that I was feeling disappeared?
    Kind regards
    Susan

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Susan,

      Thanks for sharing! This is a great question. First, it’s important to understand that you won’t feel pleasure every single second. Pleasure comes and goes naturally. But if you do get a sense that there’s a different part of your body that wants to be touched, go for it!

      • Anonymous says:

        Thanks Vanessa. The 4 step approach worked for me today but I put an overlay of fantasy to spreed things up. Are you wanting us to just focus on sensation and avoid fantasy at the start?

      • Anonymous says:

        Thanks Vanessa – 4 stepped worked very nicely but with fantasy included.

  • Charlene says:

    I have been married to my husband for 7 years (I’m 32 now) and I’m not sure how to work through that I’m completely unfulfilled sexually. I’ve never had an orgasm during sex with my husband, or any partner prior, but can orgasm by myself with the assistance of a vibrator. I think I have some very large blockades to letting go with my husband. When we were first together he wasn’t interested in giving me oral sex, despite being more than happy to receive it and I’ve developed a bit of complex about it despite him changing his tune about it now. I stupidly faked my orgasms initially when we were together, but confessed about this and spoke up many years ago. I get to the plateau phase and just get frustrated and worried that he’s getting bored and give up. It’s now become such an elephant in the room that neither one of us initiates sex any more. I’m going to listen to all of your videos to pick up some ideas to see if I can work through some of my road blocks. Thanks so much for putting such great information out there, and helping women like me to not feel so alone.

    • Denise says:

      I initially had the same issues with my husband when we were 1st married it will be 10 years this year. Just let me say if you guys have a conversation about it that might help. We had our conversation then he makes sure I am enjoying every moment with him. Sex is a connection and he may not even realize he leaves you lacking. Men can be pretty clueless especially when it comes to lady parts.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Charlene,

      Thanks for sharing! I’m really glad you’re enjoying the videos.

      All of the issues that you described are things that I teach you how to work through in Finishing School, so I would be honored to have you join us if it feels like a good fit for you! I’ll be sharing more on Wednesday!

    • Sarah says:

      When I read your comment it was crazy to me bc it was so similar to me and my situation I could’ve written it about myself. Same age, same marriage/sex situation.. but I’ve never orgasmed ever. I’m so excited to have found Vanessa. I really hope we get some great tips and tricks to help us out! ❤️ Good luck to you!

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi Sarah,

        Thanks for sharing with Charlene!

        I just responded to her that Finishing School sounds like a great fit for her. If you relate to her story, it would probably be a great fit for you too! I would love to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks so much for the videos! One question I still have is how do you know if you’re having an orgasm or just getting close to one? Thank you for your help!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for this video series! I have never masturbated before as I am always relying on my partner to accompany me or lead me into sexual pleasure. Doing this solo is an empowering thought and I am looking forward to trying this 4 step method. Do you find that some women prefer a vibrator to their fingers? The reason I ask is that I purchased a vibrator (purple in color) from your website a year or so ago, and have managed to misplace the charging cable. Would you happen to have the make and model of the vibrator, so I can purchase the charging cable?

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m so glad to learn about the plateau phase…I’ve been giving up after two minutes and thinking I was failing! Thank you!

  • Anonymous says:

    Is it normal if you can’t get yourself off with just your fingers? I’ve never orgasmed before but the times where I remember feeling the closest was trying to masturbate with a sex toy.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Try experimenting with both! It’s awesome if a sex toy brings you pleasure. And you can definitely try using the methods from this series to feel more pleasure with your hands.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have no problem with masturbating, I used to enjoy it and the orgasms were amazing with sex as well, after my husband passed away I found it difficult to orgasm with masturbation. I met a guy and we are having sex but I can not orgasm with him, I can sometimes orgasm with masturbation but it takes quite a while to achieve. I am also going through menopause and am wondering if this is my problem or do I have other issues. I have tried different techniques and positions but nothing seems to help.

  • Anonymous says:

    I can only orgasm by squeezing my legs and crushing my lady parts with a Satisfyer. I have tried with my hands but my hands feel so unsexual that it does nothing for me.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! Creating a lot of muscle tension and squeezing your legs is a super common masturbation technique. If you feel the desire to, you can learn with time and patience to switch up your technique. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

      • Anonymous says:

        Vanessa! I tried the techniques with my hands and had luck! I have never had luck with my hands before. I still needed to squeeze my legs so partner orgasm seems impossible. Which finishing school should I sign up for if I need to learn how to climax without crossing my legs?

        • Vanessa Marin says:

          YES!!! AWESOME!!!

          Finishing School Live opens up tomorrow, and would be a great fit for you! We’re combining both versions of the course into one Live round.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks for this video. It is so reassuring to know that penetration alone can’t give women orgasm.
    I have been preoccupied since I was a teenager with stimulating the “G” point to reach orgasm. I didn’t, of course. The toys I have bought to stimulate the g point are useless for me. Is there even a G point?

  • Debbie says:

    If I don’t have a partner . . . but would like to take my sex life to a new level . . . is Finishing School an option for me? I have never had multiple orgasms . . . but I would love to learn!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for asking! Yes, Finishing School would be a great fit for you! You don’t need to have a partner to be in the course. It opens up next week, but if you have any questions whatsoever (or if you want to get signed up NOW!) you can always email us at info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com

  • Lani says:

    OMG this was so interesting to watch, thanks for creating it!
    I’m 38 and I’m not even sure I’ve ever had an orgasm. I seem to get stuck on the plateau (and it takes ages to get there) or sometimes I go from feeling good one minute, reaching a very small peak (this may be an orgasm?) and the next moment my clitoris is over sensitive and can’t be touched. I haven’t a clue on how to overcome this. 🙁

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Lani,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed!

      Clitoral hypersensitivity is a pretty good sign that you’ve had an orgasm, but it can also happen if you were using stimulation that was too intense or direct for your body.

      If you want to explore this in even more detail, I would love for you to check out Finishing School! We open next week!

      • Debbie says:

        I am hypersensitive after I have had an orgasm which is the reason I haven’t experienced multiple orgasms. How do you overcome hypersensitivity to be able to have multiple orgasms?

  • DianeRose says:

    I was CONVINCED that I was frigid, completely unable to reach orgasm. But I was WRONG. I did it! I can’t believe how empowering this was for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  • Gabi says:

    Thank you for this. I am a 66-year-old woman and have spent my life feeling guilty because I couldn’t orgasm with a man through penetration and would have to ‘finish myself off’ with fingers or toys. I have come to the place where I play at home, self pleasuring with toys and have almost decided not to bother with men.
    I am divorced and have separated from my last 7 year partnership in which the sex was, frankly, so boring that I took the ‘lie back and think of England’ approach believing it was the best I would get at my age.
    But recently I met a man who is into Tantra and although we have not had sex yet, it is because of his sharing of your videos and information about Tantra that I have come to this place.
    I am so grateful to learn more about how my clitoris works, I thought I knew it all, but it turns out I knew very little.
    Thank you.
    Gabi

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Gabi,

      Thank you for taking the time to watch and share! I’m so grateful to know the series had such an impact on you!

  • DH says:

    I tried your four-step method exactly, and IT WORKED!!!!!!! WOW!!!!! I haven’t had an orgasm in years!!!!! It was amazing!!!!

    I waited to try until after I put my twin babies down for their nap so I would have no distractions. The indirect stimulation worked best for me.

    As a mom of twins, I am always so exhausted. It was such an incredible experience finally to do something for myself!

    I feel so happy, relaxed, and refreshed. I feel like super mom right now! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!

    I can’t wait to learn more from Finishing School! I’m so excited!!!!! 😀

    • Debbie says:

      DH, I am excited for you, too! My children are grown . . . and I didn’t have twins! . . . but it was still a challenge to find time for myself. In fact, I was terrible at making time for myself. My hat is off to you for giving this gift to yourself . . . and to your children!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi DH,

      I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

      Your note brought a tear to my eye! I work with so many mamas, and I know how exhausting motherhood can be. How challenging it can be to carve out time for yourself. I’m so grateful to you for sharing your story, and helping other mamas out there understand that it IS possible to carve out time for yourself. And not only that, but that doing so can actually make you an even BETTER parent! When you feel refreshed and energized, it really does turn you into a super mom!

      I would be so thrilled to have you join us in Finishing School! We officially open for registration next week, but please feel free to reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com if you want to get signed up now!

      Thank you again for sharing your story 🙂

  • Karen says:

    Hi Vanessa, waiting for the video and reading the PDF for now. I am with a committed partner and feel super safe and free. I also can orgasm on my own and during intercourse. Would finishing school be an option for me if I just want to take my sexlife even further? I would be interested in how to orgasm longer and multiple times. Thank you!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Karen,

      The video is back up!

      And YES, Finishing School would be a phenomenal option for you!! You can always reach out to info [at] vmtherapy [dot] com for more details!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have questions about masterbation- if you have been doing it for several years and you don’t orgasm from it (yet feel good while doing it), should you disregard how you have always been doing it and try your method? I have read (in many places) something called edging while masterbating- does this help, or is this just another myth?

    I also have to say thanks for doing these videos. There is so much out there to read about masterbation/sex, but almost all of what I read seems to be missing some piece of the explanation of how things happen (especially with masterbation). I also appreciate the visual aid of what a Clitoris looks like, it helps in knowing the shape and size of it.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad you’re enjoying the series!

      I say try both! I definitely don’t want you to disregard something that brings you pleasure. But it can be great to give the four-step method a try!

      I wouldn’t worry about trying edging yet. That’s a better technique to use once you’ve been having orgasms reliably.

  • Rachel says:

    Love the level of detail you provide- thank you! While I’m able to have orgasms through masturbation every time I find they are shorter in length then when I’m with a partner and still not nearly as pleasurable then with a partner. Does this just come down to preference and that the connection with another person is such a big part of the turn on?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Rachel,

      Thanks for sharing. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the videos!

      Orgasms can differ greatly depending on the context, but you can also explore plenty of ways to make it more enjoyable when you’re on your own!

  • Debbie says:

    I couldn’t imagine how you were going to explain how to have an orgasm . . . but you did it! As I have previously said . . . I had my first orgasm when I was in high school. This was after years of masturbating . . . and it was totally through trial and error. I didn’t even know what was going to happen and was totally blown away when it did! Chalk one up for being a tenacious teenager! 🙂 My biggest concern now is how do I learn to do this with a partner while I am currently without a partner. This causes me a great deal of anxiety. I think my performance in the bedroom may have contributed to my divorce. I only had an orgasm once through penetration alone . . . and my husband told me I hurt him. I was on top . . . and I had to move so far back that I must have caused him pain. I was able to have an orgasm when my husband stimulated my clitoris during penetration . . . but I did not stimulate my clitoris myself during penetration. What a gift you are giving to women, Vanessa . . . not only are you teaching women how to have an orgasm . . . but I am willing to bet you are saving countless marriages in the process as well!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Debbie,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I’m so glad to know that you’re enjoying the series. It truly touches my heart to know that it’s having an impact on people’s lives!!

    • Sara says:

      Debbie,

      All you describe re: sex in your marriage is so normal. I think that’s what you meant perhaps re: what Vanessa has said re: myths.
      I understand your anxiety about masturbation and not having a partner at present. Do as Vanessa says and keep up the masturbating but in ways that a future partner can replicate. I think that’s really critical. As for me, I’m swearing off of vibrators. NO ONE can replicate them—not even ourselves. Just my opinion from my own experience!

      • Debbie says:

        Sara,

        I find what you are saying very interesting. I am not anxious about masturbating . . . but I am anxious about a sexual relationship with a future partner. A few years ago . . . I bought a vibrator and a dildo thinking that I could learn to orgasm with just penetration. Of course . . . that was before I had become educated by Vanessa. I never did use either one because frankly . . . I didn’t know what to do with a vibrator or a dildo! 🙂

        Thank you for writing me!

        • Sara says:

          Hi Debbie,
          My thoughts were keep masturbating when without partner but in ways that a partner can replicate.
          That way when you’re with a partner then you can show them what you like and that can be replicated.
          Re: orgasm during intercourse (without direct clitoral stimulation)—-for me this occurred with college boyfriend quite often but never with anyone else. He had slim hips, rode me “high”—-our bodies just fit up high and he was moving right.
          Fast forward 30 plus years—I am now with partner with similar build and even better moves during intercourse but now I need way more direct clitoral stimulation than in my 20s!! No problem with hands and oral EXCEPT the vibrator was causing habituation and making orgasm without vibrator more difficult. That’s when I stopped using it! No guy or even ourselves can replicate a vibrator.
          Best to you!

          • Sara says:

            Debbie,
            I’m not totally against vibrators—I just don’t think they help when dealing with orgasm with partner. Vanessa addresses this really well several places on this thread. One is on June 3 at 12:35

          • Sara says:

            Debbie,
            I think Vanessa has a great take on vibrator use and she has posted it several times on this thread. So that says something about others having some habituation to vibrators also. I am not really against them—I just don’t think they’re helpful when going for orgasms with partners—-unless those partners move their handslike a super fast drummer! I gotta send you a link! Ha!
            Try to find where Vanessa addresses vibrators (several places) because what she says is very good

          • Debbie says:

            Hi Sara! Thank you for your comments. I guess I am lucky I never got around to using that vibrator! 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Is the video down for anyone else?? There’s an error message when I open it on my computer and phone.

  • Sara says:

    Hi Vanessa,
    I know there is a wide age range on this video series in the Q and A part sooo…
    Here’s my question:
    For those of us in perimenopause and menopause, there are changes, obviously. Doesn’t mean negative but can be challenging. I use doctor prescribed low dose estrogen patches, bioidentical progesterone and this is helpful in sexual as well as other ways. That said—-in younger years, orgasm never an issue for me. In my late teens and into my 20s, orgasm with intercourse only (with my college boyfriend) happened often. Indirect clitoral stimulation, I realize—he would “ride me high”—his narrow hips helped:)
    With menopause—I orgasm with oral and manual but through intercourse, just ain’t happening even though current partner is doing same college boyfriend did and I am doing same. I obviously need more direct clitoral stimulation than I get through intercourse. It is very frustrating though because I miss orgasm through intercourse, my partner is great, we have good connection. Comments?
    Thanks

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Sara,

      Thanks for sharing! This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I can do masturbation on when I am alone but I don’t feel any thing if I am trying it when I am with my husband. I just can’t take my time and I feel rush when we are together

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! This is a really common challenge that so many women face. I spend a lot of time coaching on this very topic in Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this. I have always been able to masturbate on my own. I used to be very shy about doing it with my partner. I wouldn’t even talk about it when he would bring it up. However, it has become something I got over and we’re now able to incorporate that into our sex life. I think the biggest reason that changed the way I looked at masturbation was when I realized that there was absolutely no chance of orgasm without it.. and that was heartbreaking. My problem is though that I am so dependent on my vibrator that I cannot get off without it. We do plenty of four play that is still pleasurable, but it rarely ever results in orgasm. I would love to be able to stop relying on the vibrator each time. I am not sure what it is or why I am this way, but if he even touches me there with his fingers I immediately tense up and lose whatever pleasurable feelings I had. I feel bad because he really isn’t doing anything wrong, it’s just the way I am. I am looking forward to trying out your techniques and who knows maybe I can teach him how to use his hands in a way that is enjoyable for me!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

    • Sara says:

      For me, I do think vibrator is messing things up. No guy (or even myself) can replicate what a vibrator does. Perhaps put it away and go by what Vanessa suggests in last 2 videos.
      Vibrators habituated us to a certain stimulation that only vibrators can do. At this point I wished I’d never started using one.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi Sara,

        Thanks for chiming in! Please see my response above. You can definitely make the switch with time and patience.

  • Emily says:

    I DID IT!!! Today I made myself come with my own hand for the first time and can honestly say I feel like a brand new woman. WOW.

    • Eri says:

      Emily,
      Which technique did you use? Was it direct and with penetration? I tried earlier and I found that using the jack rabbit was way too intense for my clitoris. In fact, it actually hurt. I’m not sure if it felt that way because of my VCH or the vibrating rabbit ears were too rough and the sensation I didn’t enjoy. I ended up turning the ears sideways and began to feel some pleasure but my hand kept getting tired. Guess I have lots of practice to do. I don’t think I had an orgasm but there was a bit of white, but it didn’t feel explosive. In fact, the really wasn’t any feeling except wanting to be fucked in real life. I will try later with just my hand to see if there’s any improvement.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      CONGRATS EMILY!!!!!!!

      I am so excited for you!!!

    • Debbie says:

      Congratulations, Emily! The first time for me was in high school . . . but I still remember that day . . . and the feeling it brought me . . . so I know how you feel! 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I am excited to learn about using two fingers on either side… that makes total sense!!! Looking forward to me time!

  • Anonymous says:

    Should be using lube when trying the 4 step process? I find at the start of masturbating im too dry and so my finger cant glide across clit etc instead it gets stuck and jumps sort of.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Yes, you can definitely use lube! I’m a huge fan of lube and think everyone should use it. You can find my lube recommendations here: http://www.vmtherapy.com/recommended-products/

    • Anonymous says:

      Being that I’m 55, I do tend to be more dry.I think lube helps a lot! I also have a prescribed Premarin which helps with vaginal dryness. I have been able to have orgasms by myself. Some are stronger than others. However, I always thought that it would be a full body experience and be able to gush.

      Vanessa, is it possible to have a full body experience this way and gush or do you also have to add the internal piece of fingering?

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa,
    These videos are making me feel much better about myself. I’ve been in a relationship for over a year now and my partner often apologised to me for us being together for this long and having not given me one. His apologies often make me feel bad because I can’t expect him to get me there if I can’t even get there myself. When I do try masturbate I often feel ‘dry’ which I think is due to discomfort and being unsure of what I’m actually doing. Your steps are what I’ve been needing to get started, maybe it’ll be easier now that I’ve got some guidance and I know I’m not ‘doing it wrong’. Thankyou so much, I can’t express how much it means to me.

  • Eri says:

    Vanessa,

    I certainly thought that a clitoral vibrator would have been required for your special technique but I am hopeful and I will begin practicing so I can too orgasm.

    • Christine says:

      I can only orgasm in a very specific way. Any tips for being able to orgasm from all kinds of stimulation?

      • Sara says:

        Hi Christine,
        As Vanessa says, once you can orgasm in a certain way, maybe practice other ways too so you aren’t dependent on one way. Make sure it’s a way/ways that a partner can replicate

  • Anonymous says:

    How do I get over the feeling of being dirty I know it’s not but I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of disgust when I mastrabate ive gone through your question from video 2 but it doesn’t seem to have helped

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! It can definitely take time and effort to get over these kinds of beliefs. You’ve been believing them for years or even decades. The workbook is a great place to start. If you’re looking to go much deeper, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Helen says:

    I’m.pretty good at getting an orgasm by myself and I love my bullet rather than my finger. It’s amazing!!
    Thouroly enjoyed your videos xx

  • Lara says:

    Loved the four steps and was happy to see that some of what you mentioned I already practice. Excited to try the rest. My issue is not orgasms, I can get them. My issue is getting there when I want. It takes so much time in my case to get to the plateau phase, or even when in the plateau phase it can take excessively work. Even though I masterbate quite frequently, I haven’t gotten to the point of taking control of my orgasms. Any tips on this?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Lara,

      I’m glad you enjoyed the videos! If you’re looking to decrease the plateau phase and develop more control, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week! We go much deeper into the entire process 🙂

    • Anonymous says:

      I have this same issue. It used to be much easier for me but now it takes so much time and intensity…

  • Claire says:

    Part of my issue is not know what an orgasm actually is / looks like in real life.

    My reference points are movies or porn where it’s over dramatised.

    My friends tell me it’s the vaginal walls rhythmically contracting.

    You said in your video they can be small. So maybe I’ve had one and didn’t know?

    I guess I’m expecting a (dramatic) crescendo, but I’m not sure if this is realistic or not.

    I appreciate this series so much. Thank you.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Claire,

      I know, it’s so frustrating that we see such unrealistic depictions of orgasm. It’s definitely not going to look anything like you see in movies or porn. Nor will it feel particularly dramatic at first.

      Sometimes there can be involuntary contractions of the vagina and rectum. But not all women experience this!

    • Anonymous says:

      I have this same issue. I’ve had some full body orgasms in the past but it’s been awhile now since I’ve gotten to that point. I do have contractions very frequently and also wonder if this is just a small orgasm. I think for me if I don’t get that feeling of being done I don’t think it’s actually an orgasm, maybe I’m wrong though…

    • Helen says:

      I think Am orgasm is when u feel such ecstasy my stomach goes into knots !! Due to the extreme pleasure!!
      If u get a good one your legs will shake !! Magical but every one is different x

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much ! Finally someone to teach and guide us about it seems forbidden topic . Men should view and read also . Most are so fast to penetrate that it’s not pleasurable to us . They do their thing then wonder why we didn’t have an orgasm . My 1st experience was against my will and I remember thinking is this what making love is ? I always had a hard time to relax in bed before penetration it was as if my vagina would close off lots of times trying to protect itself . I’m ok now but will be so much better now thanks to Vanessa !

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry that your first experience was against your will. A lot of women who have experienced sexual abuse have a hard time relaxing after that experience, which is completely understandable. If you’re considering joining us for Finishing School (opening next week!), there’s a special section in the course for survivors of sexual abuse.

      And it’s definitely my mission to teach more men about how women’s bodies really work!

  • Cher says:

    First, Thank You for opening up this dialogue and sharing your expertise! My orgasm and masterbation have always been taboo and shameful topics for me. I was taught these are things done in private and to keep to myself. That being said, it has been extremely difficult for me to share these experiences with my partner even upon request. I’m working on opening these lines of communication with my partner and I know it all begins with gaining confidence and learning to love myself and my body just the way I am. I thank you for helping me take steps through my healing journey!

    • Anonymous says:

      OMG…this is me. Somehow I got socialized to think that orgasm was like going to the bathroom – it’s totally private, you do it by yourself and it’s embarrassing to talk about. I can’t talk to my partner about it and I can’t imagine masturbating in front of him even though I know it would be a breakthrough for us.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Cher,

      I’m glad you enjoyed the video! I know that sharing these things can feel intimidating at first, but it is SO worth it!

  • Piet Evert van Altena says:

    I am a sexologist living in Nairobi since 14 years. Sex is still a mega tabuu here.
    I would like to download your teaching videos to help ladies here.
    Send the to my email

  • AH says:

    Eye opening!!! Can’t wait to be able to learn how to be able to climax with my partner instead of just on my own. Soooo many years of being frustrated feeling like I’m only there to provide pleasure to my partner and the Womens role is asking to much to be satisfied sexually.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi AH,

      Glad you enjoyed! It is never “asking too much” to ask the same things for ourselves that we give to our partners.

  • A says:

    Hi Vanessa,

    I am looking forward to learning more about how I can have an orgasm through your videos. I don’t think I have ever orgasm before even though I masturbate (or at least rub against the external clitoris) pretty regularly for the past 10 years and have had regular sex with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. I would really love to finally be able to orgasm with my Boyfriend, or at least know how to do it on my own so that I can guide him. Thank you!

    • Janet says:

      Vanessa
      I am 68 and have been sexually active every week with my husband for 40 years. Unfortunately feelings in my vagina and Clitoris seems to have died. We try so hard to give me a climax but the majority of times there is no sensation and I end the session frustrated. Am I too old to expect a climax each week?

      • Sara says:

        Hi Janet,
        The aging/hormonal issue can be very annoying and starts with many women in perimenopause? Perhaps talk with your Gyn about some estrogen cream and even topical testosterone cream. For many women this can be a gamechanger

    • Sheryl says:

      I was brought up by terrific parents who were open about sexuality. When I was a young woman, I would masturbate to orgasm quite frequently. Now as I have gotten older (I’m currently 59), I have a lot of trouble reaching orgasm. That’s if it happens at all. I have a number of aides I use that sometimes help, but most often not.

      • Sara says:

        Sheryl,
        Please see what I wrote above. I think a lot of us on here are dealing with the hormonal changes that occur with getting older. Your Gyn might help with estrogen cream or topical testosterone cream. Check it out! As well as how pelvic floor status is
        (Assessment by GOOD pelvic floor physical therapist so important—we aren’t told this typically by the medical system!)

  • Anonymous says:

    No one every spoke to me about mastrubation.
    I was into my late 20s before I did mastrubate and that was as j had an interstate partner. Once that broke up no more. It has been recently that I have started again. I do however feel I am missing something and cutting myself short

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m 52 and I’m with my 3rd partner after 19 years. I orgasmed with my first partner (7 year marriage) every time, but I had to be on top. I never orgasmed with my second partner. The relationship was short-lived. I got pregnant and he decided he didn’t want to be in the picture. I was devastated! I spent the next 19 years raising my daughter on my own.

      I was raised sticking Catholic where anything that had to do with sex was wrong and shameful. My parents were ultra over-top controlling.

      My daughter is grown and I met a this nice guy. We met on Match and there was instant attraction. We’ve known each other over 2 years and have been dating for almost a year. I feel absolutely comfortable with him but feel something is holding me back. I’m definitely more sexually fee because he makes me feel free. We try things I thought I would NEVER do (toys; anal – not crazy about it;
      I masterbate when I’m with him, etc., but I have never orgasmed with him alone and it’s been extremely frustrating to reach orgasm even by myself and it can take over 30 minutes. It’s sort of feeling shame about sex when I was younger and now feeling a little bit of shame for not having an orgasm. Unfortunately my partner has made me feel this way. He’s commented on how maybe we’re not compatible, that he’s not able to please me, and has not acknowledged we’re a couple or boyfriend/girlfriend even though we’re committed to each other for now – and he’s said this jokingly. I confronted him about joking cause it isn’t a joke to me. He said he can’t share all his true thoughts cause he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

      I also want to know if age, going through menopause and having had a partial hysterectomy plays a part in having orgasms. I remember, in my twenties, the feeling that I couldn’t wait to be penetrated and now, almost a year into the relationship, I feel somewhat awkward to the point it makes me cry cause I really care about my boyfriend and don’t want him to feel like I don’t desire him.

      • Sara says:

        Anonymous,
        Yes—age, menopause, hysterectomy all can play part in sexual response! Please know this and talk with your gynecologist about it. Don’t let them put you off either! There are things that can help. No idea if you’re on hormone replacement or not.

  • Anonymous says:

    So I don’t really have a problem with the whole masterbation thing, or having an orgasim this way. But I’ve always had a problem trying to show my husband how to give me one. I always feel like a take too long to reach orgasim with him there, and it’s too much to expect from him. Or I feel too embarrassed to masterbate in front of him to the point of orgasim. I didn’t really feel like this was an issue, as I have always been happy with not always having one with him, but as we have been experimenting more with trying to get out sex life back on track, it has become apparent that it is important to him, that he can give me one. I guess we just have to practice more with each other??

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I have heard all these myths from my new husband. Time to educate him.60+and clueless. I just need to relax, I’m so sick of hearing that!

  • Jakki Cousins says:

    Hi Vanessa,
    A very BIG THANK YOU for sharing this amazing information, it has really opened my eyes. I grew up Catholic and I was taught that the Bible condemns masturbation. When I got older, I started experimenting with my body, but all these years I have always felt as if I was hiding a dirty secret from the world.
    Now that I have found you, I am slowly realising that it is a wonderful thing and the more I hear from you, the more I realise how misinformed I really was. It is almost as if I have been let off “death row” cause I am beginning to believe, I am not a bad person because I enjoy masturbation. Suppose it is like everything else, it will take some time to change the way I think and eventually the way I feel. I am getting there, thanks to you.
    Thank you Vanessa, you are my Hero !!!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Jakki,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I am so deeply honored and touched to have been able to make that impact on you! Yes, you are not a bad person for wanting to enjoy all of the pleasure that your body is capable of feeling!!! I’m cheering you on!

  • Helen says:

    Loved it never been scared to masturbate such an enjoyable pleasure on my own

  • Lyzz says:

    I have been having a transformative relationship with my own sexual expression in the past few months. For Christmas, my husband of 7 years, with whom I have only ever had 2 orgasms, bought me a vibrator. When he told me what was coming in the mail, I immediately was like, “What??!!! No!”
    I had never really even considered masturbation or sex toys as an option. I felt happy with our plain vanilla sex life and didn’t feel like I needed or deserved anything else.

    Despite my husband’s support and my own letting go of some blockages I had against exploring my own pleasure, I still feel some shame in enjoying it. Additionally, I have found how to orgasm on my own but only with my vibrator. The few times I have tried “by hand” have sort of been flops. I am looking forward to learning more specifics so I can be more empowered in my own self and teach my husband how to do it for me too. It seems like an insurmountable task at times!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Lyzz,

      Hi, thanks for sharing! Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    Vanessa,
    I’m so on board for a revolution! What you are gifting to us has so much value!
    Not only to myself as a woman, but as a mother. These type of intimate and private issues are not really something that most of us wish to discuss with our mothers. I would never have wanted to learn how to pleasure myself from my mother?! So being able to pass this on to my 20 somethings so that they may be satisfied, unconfused, confident and fulfilled as women is incredible! Hopefully they will not have to go in search of answers at 50 something! I’m all for a revolution!
    Thank you soooo much!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa! So, I have two questions. First: is gushing the same thing as squirting? I have recently started masterbating with a vibrator, and after a few weeks of practise I first was able to “gush” and a few days ago I squirted. However I did not have an orgasm! I remember you said that in the beginning it’s possible that you will have orgasms but not even know it. Do you think that’s what happened to me? I have never had an orgasm before and just recently lost my virginity at 27 so I still feel a little new to all this. Is it possible to squirt/gush without having an orgasm? Also I find it very hard to feel pleasure from clitoral stimulation. Is it possible that some women have very weak nerve endings, or do you think I need to keep trying with different sex toys such as a rabbit? I tried for a long time with just my hand and I didn’t feel anything. Thank you so much for all your help!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi!

      Squirting and orgasming are two separate processes, so it’s very possible to squirt but not have it feel very pleasurable!

      There are lots of different ways to stimulate the clitoris. I’ll share more in Video #3, and it’s a huge part of Finishing School. It’s not an issue of “weak nerve endings”

    • Anonymous says:

      Following- I think I’ve been worried about the prospect of leaning into orgasm with a partner because I’m worried about the gushing/squirting element (also what IS it? I had an ex-boyfriend who told me new studies showed that it was probably just pee, but he was a jerk and ultimately not someone who I trust to give me sex advice. That comment did scar me a bit though, and make me really concerned about it happening with a partner.)

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi! It’s not pee. It’s a fluid produced by the Skene’s glands. It’s also not something that happens very frequently, especially when you’re first learning how to orgasm. Most women have to specifically train themselves to squirt.

  • LC says:

    Like you, I grew up in a super religious family where masturbation was bad, and pre-marital sex was a sin. I was 26 (married and had my first child) before I even TRIED masturbating. I also thought my orgasms (or lack of) was the fault of my husband/boyfriend. Even to this day, I’ve been having these secret thoughts that my boyfriend of 6 years (who is so sweet and thoughtful, and everything I could want) is not ‘the one’ because he can’t bring me to orgasm by penetration. Looks like I’m going to have to examine my underlying beliefs more closely. Btw, I’m divorced, not cheating on a husband lol

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi LC,

      Thanks for sharing! I think a lot of women can relate to feeling like your partner may not be “the one” or you may not be compatible if they can’t make you orgasm. But that’s simply not the truth. I’m glad this video series is teaching you otherwise!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa, do you have any good suggestions for good (affordable) vibrators to use during masturbation?

  • Anonymous says:

    I wasn’t taught anything about it. I’ve always used a fantasy that stays within a general theme. I almost always orgasm. This feels like a world separate from partner sex which I am recently learning to Iove a great deal but cannot orgasm without my fantasy. I also cannot fully use the fantasy during partner sex nor can i masturbate in front of anyone. I feel alone and dis-integrated. I’m longing to have an orgasm with my partner. Thx for reading.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing!

      This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us, and help you feel like you can be your full sexual self with your partner 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    The description of yourself 10 years ago is so relevant to what my experience is in terms of faking it. I’ve only been with one person so wasn’t sure either of us knew what we are doing. Same sex all the time and always quick to get to penetration and I get tense because I feel pain. I’ve come to resent my partner thinking he doesn’t know what he is doing and wishing I had more experience with different partners in the past so I would know if others are better at sex. Your video has given me hope that there is nothing wrong with me, my partner and that I may be able to experience orgasms and ignite my relationship and sex life with my partner again. Can’t wait for more from you, and sincerely thank you for this.

  • Debbie says:

    Vanessa, I have come to a startling discovery as a result of the exercises at the end of this video. I do have orgasms, but they come . . . pun intended . . . at a price. 🙂 I can only have an orgasm if I fantasize that I am being spanked or punished. I believe that this is the result of having internalized that sex is wrong or illicit, and the only way I can justify having an orgasm is if I am punished for doing so. I can see that this belief is not serving me well and is a huge impediment to my enjoyment of sex. However, I have been doing this for a very long time. Is there a way for me to learn to have an orgasm without having this fantasy?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for your response!

      This really boils down to how you feel about the fantasy. Fantasies are a fun and healthy way for us to play with different dynamics in our minds. Lots of people fantasize about things they wouldn’t do or believe in the real world. But if you want to be able to orgasm without the fantasy, that is something that you can work on. It’s something I cover in Finishing School!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have just recently started masturbating, but even when I go at it for 20 minutes or more, nothing happens. I just can’t seem to get there – I get close, but never all the way. I have even used a vibrator, and nothing! I think part of the trick must be feeling sexy and really confident about my body, but often I don’t feel that way. I’m excited for the next video and hope it will show me something I haven’t tried yet.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for commenting! Giving yourself more time is an important piece of this, but it’s not the ONLY piece. I’ll share more about specific technique in video #3!

  • Anonymous says:

    I used to maturbate often and could reach orgasm quickly. I did this because I was trying to figure out how to have them during actual sex. I could only occasionally have them with my husband. Several years have gone by since I have masturbated, and I have tried a few times lately and can’t reach that point anymore. Could this be because I’m in my 50s now, or should this still be achievable for me?

  • Debbie says:

    I have been masturbating since I was a child and had my first orgasm in high school. I have masturbated more often when I have been without a partner than with a partner . . . but I have always felt guilty about it . . . even when it was the best way to relieve the pain of menstrual cramps! Even now I still feel guilty . . . but I can’t wait to find out how much better it can feel when I let go of the guilt! 🙂

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for sharing! I’m excited to see what going through the Video #2 workbook brings up for you!

  • Sad says:

    I have been faking it and I am becoming annoyed with myself, I really want to have this experience what do I do.

    • Mandy says:

      Shoot. I was hoping there would be more in this video series for someone like me.

      I’ve done a lot of research over the years. I’m an avid masturbator. I don’t have shame about masturbation and I’ve never had a problem learning about my body and what makes me feel good. But, I’ve been single for awhile and now that I have an amazing boyfriend, I put a ton of pressure on myself to orgasm while I’m with him. I need to learn how to take that pressure off, but now I’ve faked it to try to please him and now he expects me to orgasm all the time. I need to learn how to focus my mind differently. How to get there faster. Because as soon as I start thinking about how much time it’s taking, I lose all momentum and it all disappears.
      I feel like there’s a lot of build up in these videos but then I’m disappointed by what you say because it’s all stuff I already know. I understand my anatomy. I’ve explored myself and I’ve read books and I thought I was going to learn a bunch of new stuff, but, for me, unfortunately, this is all pretty basic knowledge and now I’m thinking I am broken because I’m nothing like the women you describe or the women that comment

      • Sara says:

        Mandy,
        I understand what you’re talking about—-there’s a mindset going on that orgasm is the goal. In a sexy connected relationship making it the goal will trip you up.
        Are you allowing yourself to get really aroused first with no care of whether you orgasm or not? Do you show him what you’d like him to do in particular? I’m not one who thinks you have to tell a guy you faked. You can stop faking though—or fake far less and get into the sensuality and hotness that you DO know about.
        I wish Vanessa would self-disclose and tell us how she went from faking it to having orgasm with partner sex. Was it with same guy? What did this look like? It would help us, for sure. And in these videos or in a reply. I’ve asked her too—perhaps ask her the same. I do know focusing on orgasm AS THE GOAL in partner sex is counterproductive. And faking is too but I understand completely why you’re doing it that way

        • Vanessa Marin says:

          Hi Sara,

          I think I responded to you below, but I’m posting my response here too!

          I had a separate video series a few months back where I shared my own story around this. Below, I’ll paste a transcript of what I said!

          Because I believed that conventional advice, and I was so freaked out about the fact that I wasn’t orgasming easily and effortlessly, I started doing what so many women do – and maybe what you yourself have resorted to doing – I started faking my orgasms. If you don’t fake your orgasms, and you’ve actually told your partner that you don’t know how to orgasm with another person, you have way more courage than I had at this time in my life, so I commend you! But for me, I just couldn’t bring myself to be honest. Faking felt like the best option. I didn’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings and make them think they weren’t “good in bed”. If I was with a new partner that I was excited about, I wanted it to seem like things were “clicking” between us, like we had good sexual chemistry. I didn’t want sex to feel like “work” especially because my partners had such high expectations of what I – as a sex therapist in training – was going to be like in the sack. And I faked because I didn’t want to acknowledge to myself that orgasming with a partner was a struggle. I wanted to feel like I could just orgasm naturally and effortlessly, even if I was pretending.

          Now, if you’ve ever faked an orgasm, you know that it is not a good solution. Faking is unbelievably unsatisfying. Not only are you not getting to experience the pleasure that you already know your body is capable of feeling, but the actual act of faking itself feels soul crushing. Every time I faked an orgasm, I felt like even more of a fraud. I felt like I was betraying myself. Damaging my relationship with my sexuality. Losing my connection to myself. I wasn’t just faking, I was becoming a fake.

          I got so good at faking that I could even fool myself into thinking I’d had an orgasm. I would actually believe it for a few seconds, and then the flood of guilt and shame would come rushing in, stronger and stronger every time.

          And after a while, on top of all that guilt and shame, I started feeling something new: resentment toward my partners. Even though I had lost hope that I could orgasm with a partner, I was still angry at my boyfriends. Why did they get to experience pleasure, and I didn’t? Why couldn’t they just make me come? Why was I having sex if I wasn’t getting anything out of it? It was a horrible combination of on the one hand, not thinking I could get there, but on the other hand, still being pissed at my partners for not getting me there.

          Worst of all, with all of this pretending to feel pleasure, I was totally losing touch with what actually felt good for me. There was no way for my partner to know what I liked, because I would give these wild, over-the-top reactions to anything they did. I was so focused on my performance that I hardly even noticed the actual experience. And this was really the final orgasm-faking-nail-in-the-coffin; all of the faking was preventing me from having a chance to even learn what felt good to me.

          I’m embarrassed to say this, but this continued for years. And it took a really sickening experience to finally break me out of this horrible pattern.

          My turning point came when I was dating this new guy that I really liked. He was your classic bad boy. He was someone that, even from the get-go, I knew I should not be dating. He was not a good fit for me, it was obvious he was not looking for a relationship, we were miles away from being on the same page. But, like with all bad boys, there was something about him that was just so alluring. Maybe I would be that special girl that would finally capture his heart!

          The first time we seriously hooked up, this guy jumped right into some really intense stimulation. He was using so much force that I was actually feeling pain. I knew there was no way I was going to orgasm, so I decided to fake it. I didn’t want him to get bored or think that I was taking too long or think that we didn’t have good chemistry, so I faked my orgasm within the first few minutes. And this guy said something to me that I will never forget. I really don’t even want to share this with you because it’s so cringe-worthy, I can feel my cheeks turning red right now, but I want to be honest with you. After this guy thought he had made me orgasm, he said to me, “I can play your body like a fiddle.” I am dying inside! But that’s how good I had gotten at faking my orgasms. This jerk thought that he knew my body so well he could control it like a musical instrument. When the reality was that he was actually hurting me.

          So that was the real turning point for me. I knew, right then and there, that I could not fake another orgasm. I could not let another person think that they were bringing my body pleasure when in reality they were not. This guy was a jerk, so I didn’t care about lying to him him by faking, but I knew that I wanted to be with a kind and generous partner who would actually care about my pleasure. So I promised myself that I would figure out how to orgasm with a partner once and for all.

          • Sara says:

            Vanessa,
            Thanks for self-disclosing above. I just saw this and read it. So you made a huge shift with next guy you chose to be with and I suppose either talked with him or worked things out (via your own masturbation techniques) —probably both.
            Thanow for posting this again—first time I saw it and good to hear how all occurred.
            Thanks!

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Hi Mandy,

        Thanks for sharing!

        I would love to offer you a gentle reframe, which I’ve offered to several other women who have shared the same concerns you shared… it’s not a problem to not have problems! It sounds like you’ve already put a lot of time and effort into researching, exploring your body and masturbating. That’s AMAZING! ,

        It’s my dream that this world becomes filled with women like you, who have already done the research and the exploration and are hungry for more!

        The work that you’ve put in hasn’t lead to an orgasm for you just yet, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been valuable work, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re broken. Having already overcome many of the challenges that millions of women deal with does not mean you’re broken; it just means you’re at a different point in your journey.

        In terms of what to do about having faked orgasms in the past, how to focus, how to get there faster, how to keep the momentum going, those are all lessons that I cover in Finishing School. I’d be honored to have you join us when the course opens next week!

  • Bill Crow says:

    So awesome my wife and I are going to watch together! THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

  • Anonymous says:

    I really like the content, but could do without the 10-15 minute lead in and hype up. Seems like a lot of redundancy.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      It’s not hype up to me! It’s important to me to let women know the power that this process can have, especially since I know orgasm can bring up so many negative feelings. Plus, this is me sharing my own story too. But you are always welcome to adjust the speed of the video or scrub through the first section.

      • Debbie says:

        As I understand you, Vanessa, you are setting the stage for what is to come . . . kind of like foreplay? 🙂 Besides as I think you said in the previous video, our brain needs to be engaged in this process. Thank you, Vanessa, for your warmth and generosity in sharing this information. I know it is going to make a difference in my life. I can’t imagine what a gift this will be to a woman who has never had an orgasm or only a few. I can’t wait for the next video!

  • Stephanie says:

    My husband and I have been watching the series together it has been very informative so far. Very excited to see the next video. Sex or masturbation was never talked about in my home so every thing I’ve learned my husband and I learned together as we have been married since I was 16 I’m 43 now. I do orgasm an masturbated but usually do it with him I dont feel comfortable doing it on my own. I’m so excited for the next video thanks vanessa.

  • Alessandra says:

    I was raised under very strong catholic beliefs where premarital sex was already something never to think of, and masturbation was not even a topic of discussion ever.
    So along the years I developed my own beliefs and realized that pleasure is necessary to life!
    Feeling pleasure is OK!
    I just didn’t know how to go about it…
    I’m glad I found this video series and had the courage to sign up for it, as I am excited to learn more about my body, connect to my senses and make myself happy.
    I want this happiness and pleasure to reflect on my marriage and my relationships with my husband.
    I don’t want to feel like sex is a chore, I want to enjoy it and be comfortable to inicia-te it.
    Thank you for this! It is a lot of food for thought!

  • Bonnie says:

    Sex, let alone masturbation, was never discussed as I was growing up. Everything I learned was left up to experimenting. I have never had an orgasm that I know of (sad!), but I have started experimenting with masturbation over the last 4 years or so. I haven’t been successful, but think I have come close using a vibrator. Also think I stopped short as I wasn’t really sure what to expect or feel. I’ve been taking your words to heart and realize that good things time time and practice. I’m up for the challenge and look forward to the next video and getting more in touch with myself after a lifetime of unhappy endings.

  • Alexis says:

    My family never really said anything about masturbation, I just figured it out myself over time. I can orgasm almost whenever I want to now, but I wish to add more ways to orgasm. Whenever I want to orgasm I will just go straight to the same way I always do, every time. Sometimes I try different techniques but loose my hope and patients. I worry that I won’t be able to orgasm with my partner because my one way to orgasm is so specific for myself and cannot find another way to orgasm. But I hope these videos help me overcome my impatience and get hope to orgasm in a variety of ways.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Alexis,

      Thanks for sharing! It’s awesome that you have one specific method that you really enjoy. Teaching yourself how to orgasm in multiple ways is the key for learning how to have orgasms with your partner. This is something that I teach in Finishing School, which opens up next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    I was never taught about masturbation or sex. Sex was a tabop subject in our house. So i figured myself masturbation would be frowned upon. As a teen a started experimenting various ways of having an orgasm, either through masturbation, rubbing against the bed or pillow or even just from rubbing my nipples!! It used to be so easy. But once i became sexually active with guys and didnt orgasm or feel any pleasure with them, having an orgasm by myself became harder. I guess i thought there was something wrong with me or some of that taboo from my upbringing was messing with my head. These days i know sex can be a healthy part of life and so can masturbation yet i still have difficulty. I dont feel pleasure with partners, i get shy and self conscious and cant speak up about what i like and dont like. Ive never masturbated in front of a guy. When masturbating alone i nearly always orgasm, some really strong ones yet its always by doing the same thing. I try to touch other areas and get to know what feels good but nothing does apart from the clitoris. No other area feels anything for me amd i definitely cant get myself off or even close from touching my nipples anymore. I just wish my body was more sensitive and receptive to pleasure.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! I hope you find the workbook that goes along with this video helpful in dismantling your beliefs about masturbation. You sound like you’d be a phenomenal fit for Finishing School! I talk all about overcoming self-consciousness, learning how to get more comfortable talking, exploring your body, and feeling much more sensitivity!

    • Anonymous says:

      Guys find it weird that my nipples dont feel any pleasure too. And having that pressure from guys who think they can be the one who magically makes you orgasm is annoying. I dont fake it, never have. I wouldnt know how lol. Im very honest with them from start that i dont feel pleasure, i think i like to get it out in open so i can relax about it yet doesnt usually work.

  • Katie says:

    Hi Vanessa, I can orgasm but it often requires a huge amount of tension in my thighs and butt to get over the edge, especially if I’m with my partner. I get embarrassed to do this in front of him but also it’s just painful even when by myself if I have to hold it for long. I’m wondering if there are other techniques I can learn so I don’t have to rely on tensing so much.

    Also such a relief to see other women talking about tensing muscles here. I can’t hear that enough because I thought it was weird for so long.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Katie,

      Thanks for sharing! Creating a lot of muscle tension is a super common masturbation technique. There’s nothing weird about it! If it feels like it’s getting in your way, you can learn with time and patience to switch up your technique. This is something I teach in Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Masturbation was taught to me a being shameful and not appropriate. Once I got over that fact, I started to love myself. I’m still on that journey and am excited to continue.

  • Mike says:

    Thank you for explaining in such detail. I can only hope to become a better partner from your video series. I hope my partner will respond to the videos and apply these techniques to other aspects of their life. I look forward to getting as much information as possible.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have just started masturbating and I orgasm everytime, much like when I have sex. Masturbation is helping me to love my body more. I’m looking forward to your next video.
    My former thoughts of masturbation was that it was wrong and I just wanted the real thing (a man) or nothing at all.

  • Lara says:

    Hi Vanessa. I love your videos and you are helping me to get rid of the layers of shame or embarassment that I have around sex.
    I am very comfortable with masturbating and reach orgasm every time. I know exactly what I enjoy and what my body needs. Although I have a hard time communicating that with my partners. I have never orgasmed with partnered sex and my last partner always asked me what I liked and even asked me about if I watch porn when I masturbate. And I felt so mortified that I couldn’t give him an answer. Recently a guy friend of mine also asked me what kind of porn I watch and again, I couldn’t answer out of embarassment. I think this stems from when I was growing up and other boys would ask questions like this but not because they were actually interested, they did so because they wanted to tease us girls and find anything that they could use to call us dirty/gross and shame us. Boys definitely had social permission to masturbate and be open about it but I feel like I’ve learnt to keep the details of my masturbating experiences to myself because I’m scared of being judged. But now looking back, I see that I have no reason to let the silly comments of judgemental teenage boys affect my sex life! With my next partner I definitely want to work through this blockage and get out of my comfort zone a little bit so that I can actually communicate what I like and so that they can figure out how to bring me pleasure.
    Thank you Vanessa!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Lara,

      Thank you for sharing! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the series and having these epiphanies!!

  • Emily says:

    I was never taught about masturbation and was barely explained the birds and the bees. When I had my first sexual experience which was extremely traumatizing, my partner couldn’t finish from sex so he masturbated right next to me and I had to help him finish. From that day forward I have had an aversion to masturbation and thought of it as dirty and gross.

  • Anonymous says:

    Growing up, no one wiser than me has ever mentioned masturbation. It’s basically unheard of in my family/ friends. I’m 19 and to this day I feel like I can’t bring it up with my girlfriends. Maybe I can but it will be so strange since it’s never been spoken about.

  • Jennifer says:

    I was taught that it isnt normal. The woman gain pleasure from the man.

  • Anonymous says:

    I want to experience an orgasm. However, I find myself questioning why it is so important. There is so much going on in the world- who cares if I orgasm? That thinking makes it hard for me to – despite my desire – spend much time trying / having enthusiasm for trying to orgasm.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing!

      We all get to decide what kind of relationship we want with our own bodies. If orgasm doesn’t feel interesting or exciting to you, you can definitely lead a happy and fulfilled life without them!

      We do get taught a lot of negative and limiting beliefs about pleasure and orgasm, so I would get curious about the beliefs that come up for you. Yes, there is always and has always been a lot of big, important things going on in the world. But does that mean that we’re not allowed to experience pleasure or joy in our own lives?

  • Lisa Hamlett says:

    I’ve tried masterbating several times. I’m really interested in the 4 steps in masturbating. Cause when I have tried, even for 20 minutes or more I haven’t reached an orgasim. So I must not know the right techniques.

  • Sofia says:

    When I was maybe 13, I asked my mom if masturbating was bad. She said “It’s not bad, there are just better things you could be doing with your time.” Ha! I think she was trying not be sex negative but still managed to make me feel like it’s gross or not important. 10 years later, I’m wishing I would have started exploring my body earlier.

    My little sister is 16, and I recently asked her if she knew how to have an orgasm. She said yes, she figured it out just from rubbing against her bed. She didn’t even know what a clitoris was! I was happy that she had figured it out, but I also felt embarrassed. I have been obsessed with orgasm for at least 6 years, ever since I started trying masturbating. I’ve done lots of research about anatomy and I’ve bought three different vibrators. I don’t consider myself a prude when it comes to masturbating, but I do feel extremely discouraged by all the research I’ve done without any real results. I had an orgasm by myself once and was never able to repeat it. I think I must have some kind of mental block.

    I started to have orgasms with my ex-boyfriend (after years of trying), and it actually made it very difficult to end the relationship when it was no longer the best thing for me. I knew that if I ended things, I would probably not have an orgasm again for a very long time, maybe ever. Shortly after I ended the relationship, I had a traumatic sexual experience with a man who treated me like garbage, and all the while I was so caught up in the performance of sex that I didn’t even stand up for myself. I’ve felt very ashamed in the aftermath, but one good thing has come out of it. Now I *know* I need to figure out how to orgasm by myself before I feel comfortable with a partner again.

    Thank you Vanessa for sharing these videos for free! I have had the Finishing School page bookmarked for probably two years now, but I have to admit it’s been difficult to prioritize pleasure the way I ought to. When you spoke about your past client, who said it was exciting to finally touch herself and care for herself the way she always hoped a partner would, it really resonated with me. I’m so excited to get better at masturbating, so I can finally rely on myself!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Sofia,

      Thank you so much for watching and sharing! I’m honored that you’ve been thinking about Finishing School and would love to have you join us when we open next week! There’s something SO powerful about making the decision to prioritize our pleasure… it’s truly life-changing! 🙂

  • Maryann Brackett says:

    Enjoying series. I’m 78, was married over 46 years, now a widow. Have not masterbated much over the years, married sex was so so. Then 4 years ago met a man who was very experienced. Learned a lot and am now enjoying sex. I think most of us growing up when I did were influenced by our religion, so I missed out on a lot. Thanks for dispelling the myths and helping us deal with our mental hangups.

  • Anonymous says:

    I always believed that if I, or my partner, masturbated that it meant our sex life was dull or we weren’t having enough sex. So, if I ever masturbated on my own I felt horrible shame and guilt. Now I realize it’s just a tool to make our sex life better!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      YES!!! That’s so awesome! Masturbation can be a really fun thing to add to your sex life. It’s the opposite of dull!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi I am enjoying these videos thank you so much for the information. Orgasm is definitely something I struggle with so I decided to purchase a vibrator and was able to have an orgasm with it but it’s not consistent yet I don’t know how to have one without it. Is extra stuff helpful to use? Really looking forward to your next video I am open to masturbation but I’m not quite sure what to do.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this!! I was so happy for Video #2. I have been on my orgasm journey for some time so I have learned that I need to masturbate. I bought an expensive vibrator to replace my old starter one. It was fun, but sometimes felt too big. Even with lube.

    That said, this past weekend when having snap chat sex (don’t worry, no face in videos) I had stopped and was tingly and going crazy. I decided to start again and I’m guessing I hit my g-spot because I was going crazy. I felt bad for the neighbours. Anyway, I have learned that for me, the kind of masturbation that turns me on most is with a partner through phone sex or snap chat. I never thought I’d be one to be doing that, but that is the most exciting for me. I truly think that is what will get me to that point. I just have to do it again!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Ive never done snap chat vids but have sexted (txt) on snap chat. I find that can turn me on alot. I also watch some porn clips if i want to get in the mood. Guys have been surprised when i mention this but they find it refreshing.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thank you so much for sharing!

      I LOVE that you got creative with masturbation and explored different ways to bring yourself pleasure! I’ve seen comments from a few other women who said they don’t like masturbation because they don’t get to feel a connection with their partners. This is such a creative way to get a partner involved!

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m super excited about this video series!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just resigned myself to not being able to orgasm. I’m 53 and I just began using a vibrator to orgasm in the past several months. I also use it with my husband but sometimes with him, it’s difficult to achieve even with the vibrator. I’m really looking forward to learning how to bring myself to orgasm and then to teach him how.

  • Anonymous says:

    I can relate to everything you discussed even the story about having orgasms one or two times and thinking it’s my partner’s responsibility. I wasn’t taught anything about sex growing up. I had a human sexuality course in college that I failed. Fast forward fourty years and starting today I’m open to trying everything you suggest including masturbation! Looking forward to your next video and fun with myself and my partner.

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel that I miss out everytime. I have never had an orgasm. My husband only seems to care about getting his own pleasure. He doesn’t care about foreplay and sex only lasts for less than two mintues. Just once I would love to experience an orgasm.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have never enjoyed masturbation very much. I feel silly touching myself and honestly, I can’t get any satisfaction out of it! I feel like I can’t reach parts I think I should. That being said, I am 51, married for 25 yrs, have had orgasms before with my husband, he has magic fingers or used to! I am not coming consistently like I did before and I am very frustrated! I hope your videos can help me back on track again. Thank you.

    • Sara says:

      Anonymous,
      This is somewhat same for starting with “That being said…” From my experience, hormonal changes around 50 or so can become challenging. Hormone replacement therapy has helped me. Just fyi…I have had some pelvic floor issues lately and that has caused issues too–however really working on pelvic floor has made difference in sexual response as well as adding small amount of bioidentical testosterone (topically) —in addition to low dose estrogen patch and bioidentical progesterone

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      This is EXACTLY what video #3 is about!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      I hope video #3 changes your mind! 🙂

  • Mina says:

    I was not taught anything other than “it’s complicated”. I thought it was something that could happen with purely penetration. But I have no doubt no that it’s clitoral, even if iv never had the big “O”. Iv always had the most reaction with it

  • Diana says:

    Hi Vanessa,
    I first want to say thank you so much for offering this wonderful video series for free. We are only two videos in and you have already changed my life! Wow! I respect and admire you so much for what you are doing.

    I wasn’t taught a single thing about masturbation in my whole life. It was never talked about and never mentioned. I figured out how to masturbate unintentionally when I was a teenager, and I realized that touching myself felt good. After a lot of trial and error, I eventually was able to orgasm. I started masturbating on a regular basis until I ran into some problems with pain after masturbating. Now that I’m older and look back to that time, I believe my problem was I masturbated without using lubrication or enough lubrication. After having consistent problems with genital pain after masturbating in those teenage years, I eventually stopped doing it all together.

    Once I started have sex with a partner in college, I never thought to revisit masturbation. I was just happy to have sex without pain. I ended up marrying my college boyfriend and after 3 years of dating and 7 years of marriage, was never able to orgasm with him during sex. I also faked orgasms just to make him happy.

    After 7 years of marriage, I became pregnant with twins. In my third trimester, my husband didn’t feel comfortable having sex with me. But during that time I desired sex more than I ever have in my life. So since my husband wouldn’t touch me at all, I gave masturbation a try after so many years of not doing it. After the first try I had an amazing orgasm that I felt all the way down to my toes. I had better instincts and used lubrication and didn’t have any issues with pain this time around. By the time I had sex again after giving birth, for the first time I was actually enjoying it and feeling real pleasure, especially in the cowgirl position.

    I haven’t masturbated since the third trimester in my pregnancy, because I feel wrong about doing it since I’m having sex again with my husband. I feel like it’s okay if he pleasures me, but I feel guilty to get pleasure on my own without him. I don’t know why I think this way, but I realize this is something I need to let go of. I have never actually had an orgasm with my husband, it just feels a lot better than it used to. Now I realize that I probably would have an orgasm if I gave myself more time and asked for what I want. I’m so excited to learn from you and put into practice all this new knowledge. I already know my sex life will never be the same. I’m SO FIRED UP! Can’t wait for the next video, and I am definitely signing up for Finishing School 😀

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Diana,

      Thank you so much for watching and sharing! It really made my day to see you write that I’ve changed your life in this series! THANK YOU!!! And very excited to see that you’re fired up and excited to join Finishing School!!! Can’t wait to see you then, and support you every step of the way!

  • Carolyn says:

    Hi Vanessa, I think we should remind women it’s accepted in our society that as boys reach puberty they all masturbate, it’s like a right of passage and where they first learn pleasure. Gee I think most people would think a boy strange if he said he didn’t! Why isn’t it for girls and why shouldn’t it be the same for women!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Carolyn,

      YES! This is an extremely important thing that I talk about all the time! That’s why orgasm seems so much easier for men; because they’ve had a lot more practice, and they’ve had social permission to practice! Female orgasm truly is no more complicated than male orgasm; it’s just that we were denied the permission to explore our own bodies!

  • Anonymous says:

    Never had orgasms until a couple of years ago! I was even married and got divorced. When I first had one I was excited and
    Told my partner that was literally my first… and he did not believed me because I was married before. For me was a shock and felt bad about it

  • Vanessa Marin says:

    ***Issue with comments!***

    To everyone commenting on video #2, we’re having an issue where the comments aren’t displaying for visitors (but I’m receiving them!). But all of your comments are saved, and we’re working making them visible. I’ll respond to all of them today!

    • Anonymous says:

      Omg I thought it was just my phone and I think I may have sent it like 3x 🤦‍♀️

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        My apologies for the inconvenience! I got all the comments, and am responding to them. They’ll be displaying soon! If you registered with your email address to be notified, my response will also go straight to your inbox 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa! THANK YOU for this video series. I worked through a lot of underlying shame about my own masturbation practices a few years ago. I can now masturbate on my own… to an “ok” extent… but I get really turned on when I watch (nice, sensual) porn and masturbate. I have never been able to orgasm with a partner but I can achieve wonderful orgasms on my own while watching porn…. I don’t know how to translate what I am able to achieve on my own with my partner, and if watching porn is making it harder for me to orgasm with him?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Catriona,

      That’s wonderful that you worked through your shame around masturbation!

      There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you masturbate on your own. I would explore more ways of masturbating, perhaps without porn. The more ways you can bring your own body pleasure, the easier it will be to get there with a partner!

      This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I think the most irritating thing is to have a guy rubbing randomly in “the area” thinking after a couple minutes you’d be totally satisfied! Ugh it has been hard for me to verbally tell them what to do or to show them so many times I end up pleasuring myself to orgasm after my partner is done and in the bathroom. I’ve tried when he’s present but I can’t.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have this problem too! 7 years of marriage and you’d think my husband would be able to get me off right?? *sigh* It’s SO frustrating. I’ve tried to tell him what I need, and he does try hard sometimes, but it never really builds to anything and then one of us gets impatient and just ops for missionary until he finishes. Then I finish myself off when he leaves the room. Even when I try to masturbste in front of him, I can’t seem to quite get there or it takes forever because I’ve become too self-conscious from doing it on my own for so long.

      • Anonymous says:

        Oh my gosh – this is exactly my experience too! I feel so guilty that I can’t orgasm with my husband.

    • Anonymous says:

      exactly!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this series! It makes so much sense now!

  • Anonymous says:

    Is all the yelling really go on when u have an organism

  • Anonymous says:

    I have heard everything and th o. . Iam 39 and I’ve had a hestractmay a year ago and reaching the o I look and sound like iam in pain so no I tell him iam not so for two months no no sex ,please help me

  • Elaine says:

    I’m so excited for this video series! Thank you! These myths are exactly what holds me back. Glad to know the plateau phase is real and orgasms don’t have to all be a big (as seen in the media). My favorite part was when you compared expecting to orgasm from penetration alone to having an orgasm from a knee massage. 😂

  • Anonymous says:

    Hello Vanessa,
    So every day I write in my journal 10 dreams. I first heard you won Rachel Hollis so you probably know what I’m referring to. One of those dreams is to be an exceptional wife. I don’t believe in coincidence and so I think it’s fitting that your video series came at a time when I started praying for ways to learn about having better sex with my husband. I’m almost 50 years old and we’ve been married over 25 years. Just this year we introduced toys and my mind was blown. I’m a strong Christian woman and it took a lot for me to allow my hubby to use a vibrator on me. I have orgasm with him in the past and he’s incredibly patient but when we introduced the toy it was a whole different level. Now after nine months it seems like things are becoming routine again. He used to joke because he said the average couple makes love nine times a month and because I’m a very goal driven person I always made sure it happened more than nine times a month it’s funny how he always knew what number we were on. Anyway what I’m struggling with right now is this video series and you talk about masturbating. I definitely have a lot of issues in my past and without getting into all of them I will say I was raised with Christian beliefs. That being said I was in a very abusive marriage I had an abortion as a teenager and I’ve been through therapy for those things. I have such an incredible an amazing husband now and we have weekly date nights, but I always talk masturbation is bad from the biblical sense. How do I get over this? Do you have Christian resources that say masturbation is OK? I have masturbated in the past in the shower just using water pressure and although it felt amazing it was always followed by feelings of shame like what I just dead was horribly wrong. Now I’m at a stage in my life where I want to be that exceptional wife!! I want to give my husband so much pleasure I explored both of our minds. So I’m on my journey to learn the tools to do this. Thanks for your advice on how I can learn about the strong Christian viewpoint on masterbation. What helped me accept the fact of starting to use toys in my marriage was the fact that I was using it in my marriage bed and discussing it with my partner, We actually did get to a point where my husband got upset Because he said you only come now with a toy, and that was great for our marriage because we really got to talk more about it. although I had premarital sex, I am someone who does believe it is wrong outside of marriage. I have the stories and scars to explain why for me it was not the right decision. So when I hear masturbation it does freak me out a bit but at the same time I am open to learning more in the context of marriage and challenging my beliefs. Thank you so much for listening and understanding my shame and emotions regarding this topic

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad you found me through Rachel Hollis… I love the Hollises! Sounds like it was the perfect timing for you too 🙂

      It’s great that you’ve already taken a big leap by incorporating toys into the bedroom, and I’m thrilled that it’s been a pleasurable and enjoyable experience for you!

      When it comes to masturbation, I highly recommend using the workbook I’ve attached to this video. If you allow yourself to go deep, it can be really transformational! I would also think about this question… what kind of relationship do you think your God wants you to have with your own body?

  • Anonymous says:

    I was never taught anything about Masturbation growing up. Only what I have discovered on my own as a young child. due to not knowing anything other than “it felt good” I was very careless. I sill remember being caught by my Mom as a child. Instead of talking to me about it or giving me any useful information, she just told me to “stop and don’t do that” Of course I didn’t listen…I was just much more aware of my surroundings and a lot more careful about where and when I did it.
    I am now in my 30’s and married. I still do this with and without my husband. However, I have become very reliant on one particular vibrator. I still have difficulties with orgasm with it, but without it, it will not happen. I I hate it, but my husband is okay with it. He is very supportive and will do anything to help me. He is constantly asking what is is I want/need. I jut never know what to say. I do have some fantasies in my head, but I never share them because I do not know how much I want to tell him or even how much of it I am even willing to really try. I would love to be able to orgasm more consistently… especially without that dang vibrator!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa, thanks for this video!

    To answer your question, I did feel bad about masturbating as a teenager (not sure why, no one ever talked about it to me, I educated myself :)), but it felt too good to stop doing it, haha 🙂 It is still not a topic I can talk about in an uninhibited way, I feel shy when the issue comes up in a conversation.

    So my problem is not that I can’t have an orgasm once I am aroused. It is that arousal itself has become much harder to come by and to sustain once I became older (I am 38). I could be in the mood, but then start and lose interest pretty quickly. It is especially a problem with a partner. I could be excited about the guy and feel connection, and fantasize about him til 3 in the morning, but once I am with him, it feels good to be together and be intimate, but I can’t even seem to get to the point where I start to lubricate. Is that a common issue? What could be the reason that arousal has become difficult?

    My second question is about using a vibrator. It has become pretty much the only reliable way for me, so I seem to need strong stimulation. I wonder if one can get desensitized from using them — I read that somewhere, but don’t know whether the source was reliable. What does the science say? 😉 Thank you!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing!

      Wetness is NOT correlated with how turned on you are. In other words, this physical response doesn’t perfectly match up with how much we actually desire sex in the moment. You can be very wet but not actually aroused or interested in sex. Or you can be very turned on, but not at all wet. The term for this is “arousal non-concordance.”

      Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi Vanessa, thanks for this video!
    To answer your question, I did feel bad about masturbating as a teenager (not sure where the guilt was coming from, no one ever talked to me about it, I actually educated myself about female pleasure by reading a health magazine :)), but it felt too good and I felt too curious to stop, haha 🙂

    So my problem is not that I can’t have an orgasm — I can and know how to when I am aroused, and I like to experiment. My problem is that as I got older (I am 38), arousal is much harder to come by and to sustain. I might be feeling in the mood, but once I get started, I just loose interest after a while. This is particularly a problem with a partner. I could be excited about the man and keep myself awake by fantasizing about him until 3am, but once we are together, I just can’t seem to even get to the point where I start to lubricate. Maybe it’s the pressure to perform, I don’t know… Wonder if you are going to be talking more about desire and arousal and if not in the videos, whether it is something you work with individually or cover in courses.

    My second question is about using vibrators. In the past years, it has become the only reliable method for me, so I need quite strong stimulation to reach orgasm. I wonder if one can become desensitized from using them and if that could be a part of the problem when I am with a partner. Thank you!

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for sharing!

      I do talk about arousal in Finishing School. I also have a course called Rediscovering Desire that only covers arousal, if you’re most interested in that! You can find more information here – https://vmtherapy.com/increase-sex-drive/

      You mentioned wetness specifically, so I wanted to make sure you knew that wetness is NOT correlated with how turned on you are. In other words, this physical response doesn’t perfectly match up with how much we actually desire sex in the moment. You can be very wet but not actually aroused or interested in sex. Or you can be very turned on, but not at all wet. The term for this is “arousal non-concordance.”

      In terms of the vibrator, it is possible to get acclimated to the strong sensations that vibrators cause, but this is temporary. If you enjoy using a vibrator, by all means, keep using one on your own and with your partner! If you’d like to learn how to orgasm in other ways, you may want to take a temporary vibrator hiatus.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have been successful achieving orgasm while masturbating but it’s not consistent or it takes me a very long time. How do I speed up the process?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Same response to you as to the commenter below… that’s AWESOME that you’ve learned how to make yourself orgasm! Congratulations! I teach how to speed up the process (and make it more consistent) in Finishing School! The course opens up next week after this video series is over, and I would be honored to have you join!

  • Anonymous says:

    I can orgasm through masturbation but it takes me 30 minutes or more! How can I quicken the process?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      That’s AWESOME that you’ve learned how to make yourself orgasm! Congratulations! I teach how to speed up the process in Finishing School! The course opens up next week after this video series is over, and I would be honored to have you join!

  • Jayne says:

    You have a lovely voice to listen to . Everything you say is exactly how I feel , taught that touching yourself was wrong by my mum and then at a young age I lost a baby since then whenever I do have sex and get to that feeling that I’m going to orgasm I get a huge wave of guilt come over me for enjoying it , I know this is silly as it happened over 30 years ago but as I felt like that after just loosing him the feeling has continued and however hard I try I can’t get past it

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Jayne,

      Thank you for your kind words!

      So many women have had experiences being caught masturbating as children, or being told that masturbation was wrong. I highly recommend you spend some time with the workbook for video #2! It can really help.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am not sure why my comment didn’t post and I can’t get it back…
    Anyway. I was never taught anything about masturbation. It was just something I discovered on my own as a young child. Due to being uninformed I was very careless and I still remember my Mom finding me for the first time. Instead of talking to me or giving me any useful information, she just told me to stop and not to do it. I knew nothing other than it felt good so of course I never did stop. I was just more aware of my surroundings and alot more careful of where and when I did this.
    Now I am in my 30’s and married… I still masturbate with and without my husband. However, I have become very reliant on one particular vibrator. It is the only way I can orgasm. Even thst doesn’t always work for me. I am okay with using it alone, but I cannot even orgasm with my husband if we do not use it. I hate it! He is okay with it and very supportive. My husband would literally do anything I needed to help bring me to orgasm. He asks me all the time what it is I want/need… I just never know what to say. I have different fantasies in my head, but I never know how much I want to share or what I’d really be willing to try so I just keep it to myself. I would love to learn to be able to orgasm easily and more consistently and especially without that dang vibrator.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! My apologies for the issues with your comment. We were having some technical issues where the comments weren’t displaying, but I can see all of them on my end!

      Here’s what I wrote to another woman who asked about vibrators:

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. (I’ll share specific tips in the next videos!) I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything longer than 30 seconds or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass! More details to come in the next videos!

  • Anonymous says:

    I find my orgasms feel the best and most nourishing after a prolonged time of arousal with a partner, surrendering to their touch and to our play, rather than making an orgasm happen for myself without that arousal. I can’t have too many of them without the arousal lead-up, because it feels like I am giving from an empty cup and I feel worse afterwards. I thus find orgasming through masturbation far less fulfilling than doing so with a partner. Plus, I can’t fully surrender if I am controlling my own orgasm — can’t be in control and fully surrendered at the same time.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! I love the analogy of giving from an empty cup!

      I wonder if you would be interested in challenging yourself to create a prolonged time of arousal, touch, and play on your own. Of course, it’s not going to be the same as with a partner. But pampering our own bodies can feel incredibly nourishing!

  • Tanaiyah says:

    I have been masturbatingfor some time now and achieving orgasm the same way each time. I feel sometimes that the reason I don’t orgasm with my partner is because of this. Should I stop masturbating in order to achieve orgasm with my partner ? Or should I continue to practice masturbation?

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi Tanaiyah,

      As I share in the video, the more ways you’re able to reach orgasm on your own, the easier it will be to show your partner how to get you there. So definitely do not stop masturbating! There are so many benefits to masturbation aside from orgasm.

      This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I was never taught anything about masturbation. It was just something I discovered myself as a child. Due to not knowing anything about it other than liking the feeling, I was careless about where and when I did it. I can remember the first time as a young child being caught by my mother. Instead of talking to me or giving me any useful information she just told me to stop and not to do it. Of course I never stopped, I just began to be more aware of my surroundings and careful about when and where I did. I never did feel guilty about it and I didn’t want to stop. Now I am in my 30’s and married. I still do it, alone and with my husband. There is only one way I am able to orgasm though and that is using just one particular vibrator. I would love to learn how to orgasm without it. I mean it is not always with us everywhere we go and god forbid the thing ever breaks. I would love to not ALWAYS have to rely on it.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi, thanks for sharing! Here’s what I wrote to another woman in regards to the vibrator issue…

      OK, the big vibrator question! My answer really boils down to this… what do YOU want out of YOUR sex life? A lot of times, women think that vibrator orgasms are somehow “lesser than” orgasms from hands or mouths. But I don’t think that kind of hierarchy exists.

      If you’re happy using your vibrator, then keep using it on your own and with your partner!

      If you’re genuinely interested in learning how to orgasm in other ways (and not because you think orgasming in other ways is “better than” orgasming with a vibrator), then I would suggest putting your vibrator away and practicing with your hands. You can’t get addicted to a vibrator, but you can get acclimated to how easy it is to orgasm with one. So try putting it away, and give yourself plenty of time to practice with your hands. I will warn you that this definitely WILL NOT feel good for a decent stretch of time! I always give my Finishing School students a heads-up about this. You’re used to orgasm being super fast and easy, so anything that takes longer or less pleasurable than a vibrator is not going to feel great. You probably will get freaked out and think you’re not capable of orgasming without your vibrator. But this is just temporary, and the phase will pass!

      If you want to learn a more structured system for making the switch, I would invite you to check out Finishing School, which opens next week!

  • Anonymous says:

    This is all helpful but I am wondering how do I consistently orgasm with my partner? I am able to orgasm easily through masturbating.

    • Vanessa Marin says:

      Hi! As I share in the video, the more ways you’re able to reach orgasm on your own, the easier it will be to show your partner how to get you there. This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

    • Anonymous says:

      Following.

      • Vanessa Marin says:

        Posting the same response here so you can see!

        Hi! As I share in the video, the more ways you’re able to reach orgasm on your own, the easier it will be to show your partner how to get you there. This video series focuses on getting to the point of having orgasms on your own reliably. I teach a step by step system for how to orgasm with your partner in my course, Finishing School, which opens next week! Would be honored to have you join us 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I’ve never been able to feel very comfortable with masturbation. That made me frustrated for not understanding my body and how it works. I lived with a partner for 8 years and the difficulties related to sex have become major issues in our relationship including my lack of pleasure during sex.
    We ended up ending our relationship for this and for other reasons. I felt like something was wrong with me.
    Then I met another very special person and when we were getting to know each other better he moved to another country. Surprisingly we continued to relate despite the dista